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"ON THE SAHARA," 



A N 



ORIGINAL FARCICAL COMEDY 



I X 



POUR ACTS, 

APR23188t,y 



V 

FRANK E. DUMM and ALICE SULLY. 



PERMANENT ADDRESS. 

in, WEST 34 St., NEW YORK. 
1886. 



T^ 4 



3-T 



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'■"'■ 



ENTERED ACCORDING TO AN ACT CF CONGRESS, IN THE YEAR 1886. 

By FRANK E. DUMM and ALICE SULLY, 

IN THE OFFICE OF THE LIBRARIAN OF CONGRESS, AT WASHINGTON, D. C. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



W outer Van Twiller. 

Lord Featherlt, an English Lord. 

Percy Featherlt, his Wayward Son. 

Wilber Van Twiller, Wouter's Son. 

Jorkins, a Member of the Firm of Jorkins & Jorkin?. 

Mrs. Van Twiller, the "Simoon." 
Gertrude Van Twiller, the "Oasis." 
Syble Reed, the "Palm Tree." 



in the lahara, 



ACT I. 



Interior. — Interior W outer Van Twitter's residence, New York, 
elaborately furnished — bric-a-brac, &c. Fire-place "L," table "L," 
settees "R" and "L," door "C" in flat and doors "R" and "L." 

At Rise of Curtain. — Enter "D C," Twiggs, butler, stiff, reading 
evening paper — crosses to table. 

Twiggs. Hello! What's this? {reading) "Great financial fail- 
ure in Wall street ! Millions involved! Jorkins and J orkins, bank- 
ers, gone glimmering! Hungry creditors thirsting for gore!" 
Great goodness, how sensational. 

Enter "D C," Wilber Van Twiller, Wouter's son, X's with apparent agitation to Twiggs. 

Wilber. Twiggs ! 

Twig, (dropping paper) Sir! 

Wil. When Mr. Jorkins calls, bring him to my room, and — 
tell the ladies I cannot attend the reception to-night. (turning) 
What paper were you reading? 

Twig. The evening paper. It contains a full and sensational ac- 
count of the failure of Jorkins & Jorkins. 

Wil. (taking paper) Has my father read it ? 

Twig. No, sir. 

Wil. (aside) He is all the better off. (crossing to U D L" and 
turning) Remember, send Jorkins tome immediately upon his arri- 
val. (Exit "D L." 

Twig, (rubbing his nose reflectively) The boy acts queer, very 
queer — devilish queer. .Ah, he's mixed up in Jorkins & Jorkins? I 
must get another paper. Yes. I can get a paper at the news-stand 
around the corner, (at U D C." ) Hello, here comes Mr. Van Twiller. 

MUSIC. 



Van Twiller. (within) Um — ah, my dears; no, no, my dears, 
I won't; that settles it. 

Enter "DC," W outer Van Twiller, an old gentleman of great dozing propensities; his 
daughter, Gertrude, on one arm and Syble Reed, his protege, od the other. Twiggs 
bows them in. f 

Mr. Van. Um — ah, my dears, (puffing) Twiggs, my chair 
and foot-rest. 

Twiggs places his chair and foot-rest in position near table "L." 

Mr. Van. (sinking into chair) Um — ah, my loves, you have 
tired me out. Twiggs, put my foot on the rest. Yes, my dears, I 
am quite exhausted. 

Twiffgs handles the old gentleman's foot roughly. 

Mr. Van. Twiggs, what are you trying to do? Don't do that 
again! Get out! 

Twig. Yes, sir. (at "D C") Now for the paper! {Exit.) 

Mr. Van. Now, my loves, go below and amuse your mamma; it's 
time for me to snooze. 

Gertrude. But the letter, papa, with the foreign post-mark. I'm 
not a bit curious, but I'm dying to know who it's from? 

Mr. Van. Um — ah, it's from my old friend, Lord Featherly. 

Ger. What, a lord — a real live lord ? 

Mr. Van. Quite an old simpleton in his way. 

Ger. Oh, papa, what does he say? 

Mr. Van. Say, ah — um; he says he has a son. 

Ger. A son! Oh, has he, papa? Doesn't that seem funny? I 
suppose he's some well-proportioned naval officer? 

Stble. Or a dignified member of parliament ? 

Ger. Always talking about the corn-law or marrying your de- 
ceased wife's sister? I'm sure he is. I must embrace you, you dear 
good fellow, for telling us so much. 

She flies at the old gentlemaD, embraces him and gets his foot into difficulties. 

Mr. Van. (extricating himself) What! Eh! Don't do that 
again! Um — ah, don't! 

Ger. Papa, is he a member of parliament ? 

Mr. Van. No, he isn't. Ah — um, he's a harum-scarum, bull- 
headed scapegrace. He's real devilish ! 

Ger. (pinching his nose) Oh, papa! 

Mr. Van. So his father tells me; he's up to everything. Gertie, 
put my foot on the floor, it's falling asleep. 

Gertrude pulls or kicks the stool from under his foot. 

Mr. Van. (starting) Um — ah, don't do that again. My 
worthy ancestor, Wouter, Governor of New Amsterdam, would have 
had you boiled in a Dutch pot for that. Don't repeat it — don't. 

Ger. But the young Englishman? 

Mr. Van. As I, ah — um, was saying; he's a wrong-headed, wild- 
headed 

Ger. (pulling his ears) Now, papa. 



Mr. Yan. A varitable bull-head, my dears; so his father says, 
and, ah — urn — but I must not tell you. 

Gee. {pulling him from one side) You must! 

Syb. {same -play from opposite side) You must tell us ! 

Gee. {same play) Please, papa! 

Syb {same play) Indeed, Mr. Yan Twiller! 

Mr. Yan. {rising and looking himself over) My dears, don't do 
that again! 

Mr. Van crosses to "C" of si age, the young ladies follow. 

Gee. Don't be so provoking, papa; do tell us. 

Mr. Yan. {putting an arm about the waist of each and drawing 
them to him) Well, ah — um, come here, my dears. {eyeing them 
good naturedly ) It's a long story and I'm afraid I'm not equal to it. 
Ah — um, not equal to it. 

Gee. Of course you are; go on. 

Mr. Yan. {looking cautiously over his shoulder) Well, to-day, I 
received a highly flavored note from Lord Featherly — highly flavored, 
my dears, saying his wrong-headed, bull-headed — {Gertrude makes a 
motion of disapproval) Um — ah, I insist upon bull-headed and real 
devilish. His son has left England for America to see the country, 
and look up a cousin who disappeared from Evergreen Manor when 
she was a baby. 

Gee. Stolen, papa? 

Mr. Yan. Undoubtedly. 

Gee. How romantic. Well, well ? 

Mr. Yan. Gertrude, there is a fly on my head. 

Gee. Yes, papa. 

Mr. Yan. Frighten it. 

Gertrude frightens it. 

Mr. Yan. Gertrude, don't do that again. 
Gee. Now go on and finish your story. 
Mr. Yan. I have finished it, my dear. 

Gee. No you haven't. There's something more; I'm sure there 
is. Do, papa, tell us the rest. 

Gertrude embraces her father. 

Gee. {jumping up and down) Do! Oh, do, do, do, please do! 

Enter Mrs. Van Twiller in "D C," takes in the situation and coughs. Van Twiller looks 
around and then falls into the most convenient chair. Gertrude stands "E" and Sy- 
ble "L." Mrs. Van Twiller comes forward. 

Mes. Yan. {sharply) What are you trying to do? Don't be 
fools! It's ridiculous! Gertrude, sit down. 
Gee. {sitting down) Yes, mamma. 
Mes. Yan. Syble! 



Syb. Yes, madam. 
Mrs. Yan. Sit down. 



Syble sits down. 



4. 

Mrs. Van. Mr. Van Twiller! 

Mr. Van. My love. 

Mrs. Van. Sit — oh, you are down! 

Mr. Van. Yes, my pet. 

Mrs. Van. Stay there, then. 

Mr. Van. But, my darling? 

Mrs. Van. It's absurd! I won't have it! You're turning my 
house into a bedlam. It's ridiculous! Gertrude, sit up straight! 

Mrs. Van Twiller seats herself and eyes her family with much disapproval. Mr. Van 
Twiller attempts to speak several times before speaking- and Gertrude and Syble 
move uneasily upon their chairs. 

Mr. Van. My love, its — ah — um— — 

Mrs. Van. (interrupting) Mr. Van Twiller, it's nothing of the 
sort. Gertrude, stop your giggling! 

Another pause. Same play as before. 

Mr. Van. But as I was going to say, my darling, ah — um, the 
young ladies are dressed to attend the reception at Mr. Van Dover's, 
and, the young ladies • 

Mrs. Van. (interrupting) Can't go, not a step; it's not to be 
thought of. 

Ger. (rising) But, mamma? 

Mrs. Van. Sit down. 

■" Gertrude sits and sighs. 

Mrs. Van. Mr. Van Dover, this time last year, was walking the 
streets of New York without a penny in his pockets. Think how 
vulgar that was ? He had the audacity to tell me about it and 
laugh; thought it was a joke. He became rich suddenly and then 
imagined himself respectable. It's absurd*! 

Ger. But, mamma, everybody must make a break. 

Mrs. Van. Van Twiller, hear your daughter talk! Break? 
Break what? Break up, break down, break over? Nonsense! 

Mr. Van. She means make a beginning, my pet. You remem- 
ber when I first saw you, sitting at your father's feet, clipping pieces 
of scrap-leather? 

Mrs. Van. Um! 

Ger. [maliciously^ Your father was a cobbler; was he not, 
mamma ? 

Mrs. Van. Gertrude, hold your tongue! 

Mrs. Van Twiller assumes an injured look and casts it at her husband. 

Mr. Van. Um — ah, as I was saying, my love, when you were sit-, 
ting at your father's feet, clipping pieces of scrap-leather 

Mrs. Van. Things have changed since then. 

Mr. Van. They have, my dear. That was the first time I saw 
you. I said, "Good morning, Miss Cobbler!" That was the first 
iDreak. I made it. [aside^ I wish I hadn't. \_aloud^\ You dropped 
the scrap-leather and smiled. That was a break on your part. You, 



all — um, used to smile very sweetly, my darling. You see, my pet, 
we all have to make a break; break means beginning. 

Mrs. Van". You're talking nonsense, absurd nonsense ! 

Mr. Vast. But, my love, I was only attempting 

Mrs. Vast. To be ridiculous! Don't do it again; you make your- 
self tedious. 

Gee. But the reception, mamma? 
. Mrs. Vast. Not a step! [to Gertrude] Sit down! [rising and 
crossing to "D C."~\ Mr. Van T wilier, come with me. 

Mr. Van. [rising and following Mrs. Van. to "D C."] Yes, my 

love. 

Mr. Van. looks disconsolately back at the girls. Exit "D C," Mr. & Mrs. Van. 

Ger. [sighing] Poor papa! 
Syb. Ah'! 

They look disconsolately at each other and sigh. Enter in "D C," Twiggs. 

Twig. Mr. Jorkins! 

Enter "DC," Mr. Jorkins. 

Jorkins. [bowing] I have called to see your brother, [aside] 
Poor things they look disturbed ; it will be a hard blow to them. 

Ger. [m£s] My brother is not at home. 

Twig, [aside] I'm losing my head, [aloud] Come this way, 
Mr. Jorkins. [X's to "D L/^ Wilber will see you in his room. 

Twiggs knocks at "D L." 

Wil. [within.] Well? 
Twig. Mr. Jorkins is here, sir. 
Wil. [within] Show him in. 

Twiggs opens "D L," Jorkins bows to the ladies and exits. Twiggs crosses to "D C," 

Twig. By the way, your brother will not attend the reception. 

Ger. We have also decided not to attend. 

Twig. I'm afraid your brother is not feeling well, Miss. 

Syb. Why, Twiggs, when I saw him last, he was in good health. 

Twig. Queerer things happen in less time than that, Miss ; for in- 
stance, an explosion, [aside] Jorkins & Jorkins, that's it! Thank 
goodness, I have the paper! 

Twiggs holds up paper and exits. 

Ger. Oh, Syble, isn't it awfully provoking to poke here all eve- 
ning, and all dressed up for the party, too ? I do wish mamma wasn't 
so queer. 

Syb. You must remember how really good she is. By the way, 
dear, you heard Twiggs say your brother was ill. Don't you feel 
anxious about him ? 

Ger. No, I can't say I do. He looked well enough the last time 
I saw him. 

Syb. [rises] Yes, but, Gertrude 

Ger. [rises J Yes, but, Syble! [they meet "C." J I have been 



noticing you lately and I believe you are falling in love with my 
brother? I know he's in love with you. 

Syb. With me? Me! a poor, dependent girl? I should illy re- 
pay your parents' kindness were I to think of such a thing. 

Ger. Poor, dependent? Oh, dear, dear, dear, don't say it that way! 

Syble seats herself, Gertrude kneels beside her. 

Syb. Yes, but I am. 

Ger. I know, Syble, you never had a mother. 

Syb. Gertrude ? 

Ger. You never saw her? 

Syb. No; and if my father hadn't been one of Mr. Van Twiller's 
best friends, heaven knows, when he died, what would have hap- 
pened to me. Ah, we will not talk of that. 

Ger. No, let us talk of Wilber? 

Syb. I must not say I love your brother ? 

GrER. Indeed you must, if you do. 

Syb. I know your mother's ambition for him; it is far above 
and beyond me. 

Ger. Mamma is peculiar? 

Syb. No, Gertrude, she is kind. She has been very kind to me, 
and I would be an ingrate to come between her and her plans. Let 
us talk no more about it. 

Ger. You're the dearest, sweetest girl in the world, and Wilber 
would be fortunate should he win your love. 

Enter Twiggs, "D C," with card. 

Twig. Card! 

Ger. {rising, takes card and reads) "Percy Featherly, Evergreen 
Manor, England." Twiggs, show him up! {exit Tiviggs) Syble, 
it's Lord Featherly's son ! We had forgotten all about him ! Dear 
me, I'm so excited ! I suppose he's some stiff, dignified party, proud 
of his ancestry and all that sort of thing ? 

Syb. And, dear, you're all rumpled up. 

Ger. Oh, I'm sure I am. I must look like a fright, I know I do. 
We must primp a little before he sees us. Perhaps, he's a member of 
parliament; oh dear! 

MUSIC. 
Exit, "D R," Syble and Gertrude. Enter, "D C," Twiggs, followed by Percy Featherly, a 
young English fop. 

Twig. Percy Featherly! Ah, no one here? Be seated, please; 
the young ladies will be down presently. ( waves newspaper above 
his head) Jorkins & Jorkins! Good gracious, but isn't it awful! 

Exif'D C," Twiggs. 

Percy. Jorkins and Jorkins ? I wonder what he meant by that ? 
{coming down "C") I don't know Jorkins; no, I never met Jor- 
kins? Jorkins must be the name of their dog? Of course, Jorkins 
is a dog. Easy chair; I'll sit down, {sees Syble' s picture "R") Nice 
looking girl. Lud, she looks like the picture in the locket! {produ- 



ces locket, makes comparison) Oh, no; no, she doesn't. Now, I suppose, 
I'll have to begin looking up girls with lockets. (sitting R.") 
When we were babies, the Guv'nor's neice and I, he gave us each a 
locket like this. I must keep that straight. And when I've found a 
girl with this kind of a locket, IVe found the Gov'nor's neice. It's 
deucedly uncomfortable, anyway. ( sees Mrs. Van Twiller^s portrait 
and rises) Lud, isn't she sour? Wouldn't the Gov'nor cage if I'd 
take her back to England ! (laughs — sees Gertrude's portrait) Ah, 
there's a handsome girl ! Lud, I hope she has the locket ! ( enter 
Gertrude, "D R. — critically surveying picture) Eyes too large; left 
ear lops a little 

Ger. (behind him — aside) Slanderer! 

Pecy. (same play) I never could endure lopping ears 

Ger. (same play) Well! 



Pecy. (same play) Y-a-a-s, and the mouth; rather pretty • 

Ger, (same play ) Well, he has some taste. 

Pecy. (same play) Y-a-a-s; but too large, though, by an inch. 

Ger. ( same play ) You'll pay for that ! 

Pecy. (same play) No, not an inch; that would be too queer. I 
wonder who she is? 

Ger. (aloud) Mr. Featherly, I believe? 

Percy turns quickly and recognizes the counterpart of the portrait. 

Pecy. (aside) Lud, it's the girl in the portrait! I wonder if she 
heard what I said! 

Ger. Mr. Featherly? 

Pecy. (aside) I'm sure she heard what I said! (aloud) No; 
that is — y-a-a-s, Featherly, Percy Featherly; that's me. You are — I 
beg your pardon; but who are you? 

Ger. (aside) Oh my, what a simpleton. 

Pecy It's — well — well, you see, we never had an introduction; 
that is, I don't remember of it, if we did — no. It's — y-a-a-s— no, it's 
not y-a-a-s; it's embarrassing, don't you see? Ah, well, by the way; 
however, how are you! 

He offers his hand and then jams it into his vest pocket she making do motion to take it. 

Ger. Well, thank you. Won't you be seated? I am Gertrude 
Van T wilier; that's my portrait — I saw you looking at it when I came 
in. Facinating, isn't it? 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s. (aside) She heard me ! 

Ger. Yes, it's one of Sarony's best. The ears poise so gracefully; 
don't you think so? 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s. (aside) Lud, I wish I was out of here, 

Ger. They look as if they could speak? 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s. 

Ger. Do you know what one of my friends said — mean thing ? 

Pecy. No. 

Ger. She said the eyes were too large. 

Pecy. That — that was cruel. 

Ger. And that the ears lopped; it was real mean of her. But that 



wasn't all. She said my mouth was a foot larger than any mouth 
she had ever seen, (aside) He seems to be enjoying himself. 
(aloud) And, although, she knew no one ever had such a mouth, she 
wouldn't come down an inch. 

Pect. a?Y-a-a-s. (rises) Miss Van T wilier, is your father at 
home? 

Ger. Yes ; he'll be down presently — be seated. 

Pecy. I think I 

Ger. Oh, please, be seated. 

He sits down. 

Ger. You live in London ? 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s, I live there and at Evergreen Manor. I left 
London, week ago last Saturday; just arrived in New York to-day. 
Nice town, New York — so much water and trestle work. It re- 
minds me of the London suburbs — it does, really. 

Ger. (aside) Oh, but isn't he a goose! 

An embaraHSinar pause. 

Pecy. Here's a letter for your Gov 1 beg your pardon; for 

your papa. You can read it, if you wish — y-a-a-s. (X's and hands 
her letter) It's all about me, and there isn t a word of truth in it. 
My Gov'nor is peculiar; very. 

She meets him half way and takes the letter. 

Ger. He must be peculiar, (opens letter and reads) He says 
you are — (looks him over and laughs) — you don't look it, but of 
course you are? [laughs] 

Pecy. Don't laugh; that isn't fare, you khow. 

Ger. He says you are boisterous ! 

She looks at him seriously. 

Pec', [putting on eye-glasses] Oh, he doesn't say that! Let me 
see? 

Ger. [backing from him and pretending to read] He says you 
break things, and, oh dear ! [laughing aside] I'm sure, I'll have to 
call for help; I'm frightened to death! [he advances toward her] 
Keep away from me! I'll scream! You look as if you intended to 
break something now! Oh, please, sir, commence on the furniture! 
[walks up and down stage] Where's the bell-rope ! 

Percy watches her with bewildered countenance and nervous agitation. 

Pec', [aside] I wonder what's the matter with her! \_aloud — 
crossing to her] Oh, I say! 

She turns, screams and runs past him. 

Pec'. Oh, don't; it's real distressing! 

Ger. [aside~\ He's a perfect idiot; I'll have some fun with 
him. 

Pec'. [aside] I'm either in a lunatic asylum, or this is Ameri- 
can etiquette! 

She looks at him over her shoulder. 



9. 

Ger. Now, when I come to look at you, you don't look a bit dan- 
gerous. 

Pec 1 . I ain't; I assure you. 

Ger. Take a seat. 

Both are seated, Percy "R," Gertrude "L." 

Pec 1 . Certainly, (aside) I wonder what she'll do next! If I 
ever get out of here, 111 never come back — never! 

Ger. London society must be very distracting? 

Pecy. I think so. 

'Ger. {severely) Of course it is? 

Pecy. {aside) I'll have to humor her. {aloud) Y-a-a-s, Lon- 
don's deucedly distracting. 

Ger. They dance the Minuet, and have bull-fights ; don't they? 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s, every afternoon and evening. 

Ger. {aside) What a whack! {aloud) They play games, of 
course; ah 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s, of course. 

Ger. "Button/' for instance? 

Pecy. "Button!" Y-a-a-s. (aside) I wonder what's coming 
now? 

Ger. Let's play "button!" 

Pecy. Eh! 

Ger. Of course you know how to play button: "button, button; 
who's got the button?" 

Business of game of button. 

Pecy. Of course; nice game, (aside) Never heard of it. 

Ger. I don't care particularly for it. 

Pecy. (with sigh of relief) Oh, neither do I. 

Ger. I like "bull in the ring." 

Pecy. (aside) Bulls! Lud, that's worse than buttons! 

Ger. Eh? 

Pecy. I dote on "bull-in-the-ring." 

Ger. How jolly ! 

Pecy. Y-a-a-s. 

Ger. And "blind-man's-buff — say, let's play "blind-man's-buff?" 

Pecy. (aside) What's the matter with her! I wonder if this 
is the way they entertain visitors in America! (aloud) Y-a-a-s, I 
used to play "blind-man's-buff" at my Aunt Margaret's. It's rather 
youthful, but deucedly amusing. 

Ger. (rises) It's fun, I tell you. Come, let me put this hand- 
kerchief over your eyes? 

He reluctantly crosses to her— business— adjusts handkerchief. 

Ger. (aside, over his shoidder) Oh, isn't this fun! 
Pecy. (aside) Lud, isn't this awful ! N 

Ger. Can you see ? 



10. 
Peoy. See! No. (aside) I wonder if she takes me for an idiot! 

She turns him about several times. 
MUSIC. 

Ger. Now, catch me! 

Percy rushes fiantieally about the room, falling over the furniture and upsetting bric-a- 
brac. Enter, "D R," Syble. 

Syb. Why, Gertrude? 

GrER. (motioning her to silence) Our member of parliament! 
Don't speak! Oh, but isn't he funny! 
Peoy. (grabbing Syble) I have you! 
Syb. (eluding him) Shoo! 

Percy becomes excited and rushes up and downstage; his collar becomes unfastened 
and he yells, "Now I have you!" &c. When he has the room in a state of dilapidation, 
and the uproar is becoming energetic, Mrs. Van Twiller appears at "D C." Percy hear- 
ing her and thinking it is Gertrude, rushes to her and throws his arms about Mrs. Van 
Twiller's neck and tries to kiss her. She screams. 

Pecy. Now, I've got you ! 

Mrs. Van. (pawing him) Get off! It's absurd! Thieves! Help! 
Nonsense ! 

Gertrude pulls the handkerchief from Percy's eyes; he faces Mrs. Van Twiller. 

Pecy. (sinking upon his knees) Oh! Lud! 

Enter Mr. Jorkins from "D L," followed by Wilber Van Twiller. 

Jor. My dear fellow, not a cent! 

Mrs. Van. What are you all trying to do ! 

Enter, from "DC," Mr. Van Twiller, followed by Twiggs. 

Mr. Van. (excitedly reading from evening paper) "Great finan- 
cinl failure in Wall street ! Millions involved ! Jorkins & Jorkins, 
bankers, gone glimmering! Hungry creditors thirsting for gore! 
The Van Twillers engulfed in the wreck!" 

Mrs. Van. What! 

Mr. Van. (showing paper to Mrs. Van Twiller) Look, my love! 
Look! Read! We are beggars! 



PICTURE. 



CURTAIN. 



11. 



ACT II. 



Scene — Interior, rough cottage; rusty stove and pieces of pipe in 
one corner; floor strewn ivith pieces of broken crockery, paper, &c. 
Door "R." and window "L."'in Flat; Door "R" 

Time — The 1st of April. 

At Rise of Curtain — Enter, "D." in Flat, Twiggs, with Turk- 
ish rug and spring mattress; drops them "CJ'i of stage. 

Twig, (taking a survey of the situation, executes a long-drawn 
sigh) Jorkins & Jorkins! 

Exit Twiggs "D" in Flat. Eater from "D" in Flat, Syble Reed, with bird cage and bric- 
a brae. Same play as Twiggs. 

Syb. Wilber! Wilber! 

Exit Syble "D" in Flat. Enter Gertrude from "D" in Flat, with motto— "Home, Sweet 
Home," and a statuette of Venus. 

Ger. Good gracious, but isn't this awful! If I had time to dry 
niy eyes, I'd sit down and have a good cry. 

Syb. (at "D" in Flat) Gertrude, come, help us in with the 
table. 

With Gertrude's aid and much difficulty, Twiggs and Syble get the table upon the stage. 
The table Is of very stylish design; in fact, all the furniture and bric-a-brac introduced 
in this scene should be sufficiently elaborate to appear out of place in contrast with 
the roughness and disorder of the scene. 

Ger. (sitting upon table) Isn't this awful! Imagine how 
mamma will stare, lift her skirts, throw up her hands, and look this 
place out of countenance, (laughs) 

Syb. What an outrage for Jorkins to fail. 

Ger. Well, if Wilber hadn't been so foolish 

Syb. (interrupting) Oh, don't blame Wilber. 

Ger. I don't; however, all we have left now is Twiggs and the 
Sahara. Won't mamma go to pieces when she sees this place. 
(laughs) 

Twig. It is't a laughing matter, Miss. 



12. 

Gee. Oh, isn't it, Mr. Twiggs. 

Twig. Oh, oh, oh! 

Gee. Twiggs, that will do. 

Twig, {holds up motto) "Home, Sweet Home! 11 Ah, what's the 
use of this now, Miss? 

Gee. You can hang it over the door; it's all we have to remind us 
where we are. 

Twig. Yes, Miss. 

Gee. Twiggs, drop the sentiment and attend to the substantial. 

Twiggs groans, drops motto and exits "D" in Flat. 

Stb. Gertrude, you look distressed. 

Gee. Do I! (takes Syble in her arms, smiling) Do I look dis- 
tressed now ? I'm as happy as a lark ; this affair is too novel to pinch 
my features. 

Syb. Poor, dear, Mr. Van Twiller ! 

Gee. Poor, dear, good papa! 

They fall into each other's arms and weep, blubbering "Poor, dear, good, sweet papa!" 

Gee. (drying her eyes) The first thing you know, you'll be cry- 
ing, [kisses her] There, there, there! This is no time for senti- 
ment — sentiment and the 1st of April make an odd pair. There's 
the furniture to be disposed of, and — [noticing Venus] Venus! 
Heaven protect you, Venus; you shall have a wash-tub for your ped- 
estal. 

Syb. Will you ever be sober, dear? 

Gee. With present surroundings, I prefer a state of intoxication. 

Enter Twiggs, "D" in Flat, with some article of furniture. 

Gee. Hard at it, Twiggs ? Syble, will you look over the house ; 
I think I can manage Twiggs and the furniture ? 

Syb. Certainly. [X's to "D R," opens it aud starts back] Oh! 

Gee. What's the matter? 

Syb. It's awful, Gertrude; awful! [exit] 

Gee. Twiggs, who lived here? 

Twig. A Mr. Muggins, his wife and their thirteen children ! 

Gee. Unlucky family. But, Twiggs hurry in with the furniture. 

Twig. Yes, Miss. 

Exit Twiggs "D" in Flat. 

Gee. [sitting upon table] So, here we are. [sighs] Oh ; dear; 
settled down on twenty acres of sand, with visions of wash-tubs and 
bread-boards rising before me. Gertrude Van Twiller turned into a 
maid-of-all-work; no drives, no receptions, no lawn-tennis, no visi- 
tors and — ah, that reminds me of Percy Featherly? He's a noodle, 
but I couldn't help liking him. After all the time we have spent to- 
gether, I suppose I shall never see him again? That's right; cry 
about it, make a goose of yourself ! As if that would help matters 
any. Now's the time to show people I'm not the silly butterfly they 
take me for; instead of weeping and thinking about things, I had bet- 



13. 

ter go to work and have the house comfortable when papa and 
mamma comes. 

Syb. [witMn^ Gertrude! 

Gee. Yes! [jumps from table] I'm coming! [at "D R."] No 
wonder they call this place the Sahara; all it lacks is a camel and an 
Arab to hold the mirror up to nature, [exit] 

Percy Featherly looks in window in Flat and enters cautiously "D" in Flat; he carries a 
valise and is traveled-stained. 

Peot. [dusting himself] Great goodness, I never walked so far 
in my life! I wonder if this is the Sahara? [looks about him] It's 
a queer looking place. Whee! A mahogany table and a plush cover; 
queer, very! [sees Venus] Who are you? Great Cgesar, it's Ve- 
nus ! Venus, how did you get in such bad company ? And here's 
a lot of valuable bric-a-brac, [starting] Oh, lucl, I've gotten in the 
wrong house! This must be the randezvous of a smuggler! Lud, 
the idea starts the chills running each other up and down my back! 

Twig, [outside] Oh, oh, oh, oh! 

Pect. Je-ru-sa-lem, what was that ! [ Twiggs makes n oise out- 
side, Gertrude screams within] Great Ceasar; and I left my revolver 
at the hotel ! [footsteps heard within] That's the smuggler ! Good 
bye, Percy Featherly; you're a goner! [rushes wildly about the 
stage — discovers spring mattress] What's this! A grating! [he 
hauls the mattress near to window in Flat, stands it upright, gets be- 
hind it and covers himself with the plush cover] Now, smuggler, do 
your worst! 

Enter Twiggs from "D" in Flat with piece of furniture which he drops heavily upon 
stage; the mattress quivers; Twiggs groans and exits. 

Pec', {peeping out with serious face) He's gone! Lud, that 
was a narrow escape! I must get out of here! Just imagine my neck 
cut from ear to ear; I never could endure it, never! {runs to "D R," 
holding the table cover over his head— footsteps within) There's a 
smuggler in there ! ( Twiggs groans ) Murdering a poor wretch ! 
The house is full of them ! Lud, he's coming this way ! 

He hides again behind the mattress. Enter, from "D R." Gertrude, Twiggs from "'D" 
in Flat, with large bundle which he drops heavily upon the stage. 

Pec', {aside) That's the body of the poor wretch! 
Ger. {to Twiggs) Get the ax and a piece of rope; I have anoth- 
er job for you in the next room, {exit) 

Pec', {aside) Ax! Rope! My turn next! 

The mattress commences to quiver and falls upon the stage. Gertrude starts back and 
screams. 

Pec'. Oh, dear, good Mr. Smuggler! 

Percy lifts the cover from his head: they recognize and eye each other. 

Pec'. Gertrude! 

Ger. Oh, it's you? 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s. {stammering) You see — I beg your pardon — I 



14. 

came to call. How to do! I got behind the grating — well, I — ■ 
(aside) What the d — 1 did I get behind there for? (aloud) Wei 1 
I was behind the grating; you noticed that — ah, y-a-a-s; to give you 
a surprise. 

Gee. You accomplished your purpose. 

Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s, I think I did. 

Ger. (offers her hand) Anyway, it was kind of you to hunt us 
up. 

Pec'. Don't mention it. You see, I received a letter from my 
Gov'nor, asking me to return to England — — ■ 

GrER. Then you have come to say good-bye ? 

Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s; but I'm not going. I came to America to look up 
a sort of neice, whom the Gov'nor calls the u 4th of March;" why, he 
doesn't know, neither do I. I don't think I ever mentioned this be- 
fore; did I? But I've got deuced tired looking up girls with lockets. 

Ger. Lockets ? 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s; lockets, you see — lockets and the "4th of March." 
And, now, the Gov'nor wants me to come home; but I'm not going. 
I've taken quite a liking to this part of the country, where there arn t 
so many girls, and, of course, not so many lockets. Oh, don't laugh; 
I've got lockets on the brain, the Gov'nor's got the "4th of March." 
However, I trust you're glad to see me? 

Ger. Indeed, we are; but I'm afraid we can't make it very inter- 
esting for you here. 

Pec', (aside) Isn't she refreshing; just as if she couldn't make 
any place interesting? 

Ger. (aside) What shall I do with him? I have it; I'll put 
him to work. He'll make fun for us. (aloud) Mr. Featherly. 

Pec'. Please, call me Percy. 

Ger. Well, (hesitates) Percy, did you ever work? 

Pec'. Work? Y-a-a-s; that is, I used to hold the sponge for the 
groom when he rubbed down the horses. He said I was a great 
worker, when I got started; but I was hard to start. 

Ger. You look like a great worker ( ? ) 

Pec'. That's what he said. 

Ger. You notice the palace is a little out of repairs ? 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s ; it does look rather musty. 

Ger. Would you mind helping Twiggs with the furniture ? 

Pec'. Certainly, not. 

Enter from - l D R," Syble. 

Ger. Syble, Percy 's here. 

Pec'. Ah, good morning, Miss Syble! 

Syb. Why, good morning! 

Pec'. Excuse me; I must help Twiggs with the furniture" 

Ger. Percy, what time is it? 

Pec'. (X'ingto"D" in Flat) 11:30. 

Ger. And the folks will be at the station by twelve. We must 

build a fire, prepare dinner and get the house in order. (enter 



15. 

from "D" in Flat, Twiggs, with furniture — Percy lends a hand) 
Twiggs, did you bring a stove ? 

Twig, (glaring at Percy) No, Miss. 

Pec 1 , (discovering stove) Here's a stove; but its rather rusty. 

Geb. Never mind; we'll fix that. Twiggs, have you any stove- 
polish ? 

Twig. No, Miss. 

Pec 1 . I have shoe-polish in my valise; if that will do? 

Gee. Of course it will do. You and Twiggs set up the stove; I'll 
make a pudding. Syble, where^ the cook book ? 

Stb. (upsets various articles, finds book) Here it is. 

Gertiude, possessed of the cook book, elevates herself upon the table and begins to 
study it's contents. Twiggs and Percy commence setting up the stove. 

Ger. (reads and thumbs the book) "Chowders. 11 "Soups." 
"Cakes." "Puddings." 

Twiggs drops stove upon Percy's toes. 

Pec 1 , (caressing the injured member) Oh, I say! 
Twig. I beg your pardon. 
Pec 1 . Don^ mention it. 

They recommence setting up the stove. 

Ger. (reads) "Pudding, a la France." 

Syb. (dusting Venus) Gertrude, what shall I do with Venus ? 

Ger. (reading) "Bake until brown." 

Syb. What! 

Ger. (reading) "Turn over and let cool before serving." 

Syb. Gertrude ! 

Ger. (looking up) Eh! Oh, is there any flour in the wagon? 

Syb. Twiggs bought a sack when we drove through the village. 

Percy and Twiggs placing the pipe in position, it becomes disjointed and falls upon 
them. 

Pec 1 . D— n it! 

Ger. (looks up) Percy! 

Pec 1 . I beg your pardon. 

Ger. (reading) "Soak it — for two hours." 

Pec 1 , [staring at her] Soak it! What? 

Twig, [touches Percy on the shoulder] Will you help me with 
the pipe? 

Pec . Certainly, [looks back at Gertrude] Soak it! I wonder 
what she meant by that? 

Twiggs and Percy put the pipe in position during the following conversation. 

Ger. [reads] "Cottage." "Suet." "Cabinet." "Indian." "Sago." 
"Rice." Syble, have we any rice? 

Syb. No. 

Ger. That settles "Rice." "Orange." "Blancmange." "Tapioca." 
"Bread." [reads rapidly receipt for bread puddiug] Have we 
raisins ? 



16. 

Stb. No; do you imagin Twiggs bought the whole grocery store? 

Gee,. Well, that settles bread. What have we, Syble ? 

Stb. We have flour, salt, pepper and [thinks] water. 

Gee. I'll find something with lots of water in it. 

Percy pinches his finger in the pipe; jumps up and down; Twiggs laughs aside. 

Pec'. Ouch! Great Jerusalem! D — n it! 

Gee. Don't repeat that! You shock me! [reads] "Strain the 
water and salt it down." 

Peg'. What! 

Gee. [reads] ''Eight quarts of flour well peppered." I think 
that must be a misprint. Syble, come and see. 

They put their heads together over the book. 

Twig, [to Percy] You are too easily vexed, sir. 

Pec', [sucking his thumb] Y-a-a-s, I believe I am; but there is 
something about that stove and pipe that suggests d — n it. Girls, 
accept my apology. 

Gee. [reads] "Work it well and give it a hot oven." 

Pec'. Eh! 

Gee. No, that won't do, Syble. A pudding with eight quarts of 
water — that's too thin. 

Gertrude catches herself ; they all look at her. At this point Twiggs has the stove in po- 
sition. Gertrude thumbs her book. 

Ger. I have it; a dish for the gods: popovers — flour, water and 
salt. 

Pec'. Girls, can I remove my coat? 

Ger. [reads] "Remove cover and serve hot." 

Pec'. Thanks, [aside] I wonder if that's more of her Ameri- 
can slang? 

Ger. Will some one get me a bowl and fill it with flour? 

Pec'. Where's the bowl? 

Ger. In the wagon with the flour. 

Percy exits hurriedly "D" in Plat. 

Ger. Just the dish to begin on; so e very-day-like — popovers! 
Twiggs, bring in a bucket of water, a rolling-pin, the salt, and an 
armf ull of wood — oh, yes ; and a spoon ! 

Twiggs runs to and from "D" in Flat between each order. 

Twig. Anything else, Miss ? 

Ger. Yes; look if the folks are coming. 

Exit Twiggs il D" in Flat. 

Ger. (rolling up her sleeves) Just the thing. Such an athletic 
name — popovers ! 

Enter, from "D" in Flat, Percy, smeared with flour and with bowl filled with flour. 

Ger. What's happened to you! 

Syb. Percy, you look like a miller. 

Pec'. Say nothing; the sack broke. 

Ger. And you lost the flour? 



17. 

Pec 1 . Oh, I got the most of it, I assure you. 
Ger. How lucky. 
Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s. 

Ger. {taking bowl) Now, you can black the stove; and please 
hurry, for I must have a fire soon. 
Pec 1 , {resignedly) Y-a-a-s. 

Percy produces shoe-polish and brush from his valise and attacks the stove. Twiggs 
falls in "D" in Flat, burdened with articles sent for, staggers to and places them upon 
table. 

Twig. Here are the things, Miss. 

Ger. Thanks. Now help Syble with the furniture, {to Syble) 
Are you tired, dear? 

Syb. Not at all. 

Pec 1 , {looking up from stove)- I say; this goes on smeary. 

Ger. ( Gertrude at table mixing ingredients in bowl) You can 
remedy that by getting more on the stove and less on your face. Get 
me the salt, please. 

Pec 1 . Certainly; where is it? 

Ger. Oh, on the table, somewhere; find it. 

Pec 1 , {with brush in hand, hunts for salt) Here, it is. 

He hands her the salt, his brush is just above the bowl. Twiggs drops furniture, 
Syble screams and Percy drops brush into the bowl. 

Ger. Oh, Percy! 

Pec 1 , {picking up brush quickly) I beg your pardon; it never 
touched! If you have no objections, I will finish the stove. 

Ger. {aside) I wont eat any popovers. I never did like pop- 
overs. 

Percy commences work at the stove and gives it a white side; Gertrude works the mix- 
ture in the bowl vigorously; much to the detriment of their clothing. During the fol- 
lowing conversation, between Twiggs and Syble, Gertrude seeing Percy getting part 
of her popovers on the stove, she grabs up a handfull of dough, crosses to him and ex- 
postulates it pontomime against his blunders. The dough drips to the floor, Percy 
points to it, she catches it up, returns to the bowl and recommences work. 

Syb. {to Twiggs) Did you see Wilber before leaving the city. 

Twig. Yes. Ah, poor Master Wilber, the picture of despair. 

Syb. But he was not to blame for the failure ? 

Twig. Not at all; not directly. The firm of Jorkins & Jorkins 
went under — the estate was in it, and the estate went with it. It 
was through Wilber the bulk of the fortune was mixed up in Jor- 
kins. Ah, Miss, he will never come down to living here. 

Syb. {starting) Of course he will; he loves his parents too dear- 
ly to leave them now. 

Twig. Love is all very well in its way, Miss; but there^his moth- 
er. Poor boy, she'll never give him any peace. I know how t'will 
be; I haven 1 1 been ten years with the old master not to know Mrs. 
Van Twiller. Mark my word, he'll never stay here. 

Syble sighs and turns away. 

Pecy. {at stove) I'm out of blacking. 



18. 

Gee. (looks up ) Well, you're a sight ! S crape a little off your 
face and I think you'll have enough to finish it. Say, build a fire ! 
Pec 1 , {aside) Lud, I'm tired! 
Mrs. Van. {outside) Absurd! Drive on! 

All cease work and strike a li stening attitude. 

Old DeiveE. {outside) I tell yer, ma'm, this here's the Sahara! 
Git out! 

Mrs. Van. {outside) What's he talking about! 
Mr. Van. {outside) I don't know, my love. 
Stb. ( at window in Flat. ) Here they come ! 

MUSIC. 

Gee. (with the dough sticking to her fingers) Put the room in 
order! I never knew popovers were such stickers! Percy, be quick! 
{to Tiviggs) Why don't you do something! 

Gertrude, flouncing about the stage, flourishes the dough over her head. Percy, in his 
efforts "to be quick," upsets the stove and the pipe falls upon him. Twiggs upsets the 
table, and Syble hangs the motto, "Home, Sweet Home" about Twiggs' neck. Enter, 
from "D" in Plat, Mrs. Van Twiller, followed by her husband. She surveys the apart- 
ment and the occupants with great and withering contempt. 

Mrs. Van. This is a nice hole! What are you all trying to do? 
Gertrude ! 

Gee. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. Van. Sit down! Mr. Van Twiller where have you brought 
me? 

Mr. Van. I don't know anything about it, my love; don't ask 
me. 

Mrs. Van. {snifing the air and flouncing up and down" stage) 
This place is absurd ! Pah ! It's vulgar ! I feel like a cobbler again. 

Mr. Van. Oh, my darling! 

Mrs. Van. Not a word; I mean it. {sees Percy with blackened 
face) What's that? 

Gee. What? 
, Mrs. Van. That. 

Gee. Percy Featherly, mamma. 

Mrs. Van. Umph ! He looks more like a map of Africa. Why 
don't you wash your face? You're hideous! Is this the only room 
in the house? 

Syb. There are three rooms below and two half -rooms above. 

Mrs. Van. Half rooms ! Where are we all to sleep ? What are 
we going to eat! And where are we going to eat it! Who are we! 
Where are we ! Mr. Van Twiller, don t look so unconcerned ! Stop 
your talking, all of you and get to work! Van Twiller take that 
spring mattress up to the half -room ! 

Mr. Van. But, my darling! 

Mrs. Van. Not a word! Gertrude, sit down! 

Gee. But, mamma, there is no chair. 

Mrs. Van. Sit down, anyway! 

Gertrude elevates herself upon the table. 



19. 

Mrs. Yak. Featlierly! 

Peo'. Y-a-a-s. 

Mrs. Yak. Take that stove outside and smash it! 

Pec'. Oh, hid! 

Mrs. Vak. (to Twiggs who has motto hung about ^his neck) What 
do you mean standing around like a cough-drop-sign! Move your- 
self! 

The characters according to the vartous orders are set in motion. Twiggs exits hurried- 
ly "D" in Flat. Percy finds the stove too much for him and Mr. Van Twiller tangles 
himself up in the spring-mattress. 

Mrs. Yak. What are you all trying to do! Make fools of your- 
selves — sit down! 

They all sit down: Van Twiller buried in the spring-mattress and Percy upon the stove. 
Enter from "D" in Fiat, Wilber Van TwiUer. 

Pec 1 , (rising from stove, catches Mr$, Van Twitter's eye, sits down 
quickly) Welcome, to the Sahara! 

Mr. Yak. (same play) Ah — um, my boy; welcome! 

Wilber taking in the situation, remains at "D" in flat and hangs his head. 

Mrs. Yak. {angrily) What are you standing there for? Come 
in, and — and — and sit down ! 

Wilber does not change his position. 

Mrs. Yak. Look up and see what you've brought us to; look 
around you. I am a cobbler again; every inch a cobbler. See your 
father brought to the extremities of a spring-mattress. 

Mr. Yak. Quite laid out in it, my boy. 

Mrs. Yak. Think how vulgar that is! 

Mr. Yak. (emotionally) Never mind; ah — um, poor boy, come 
in. 

Mrs. Yak. Don't get emotional, Yan Twiller; I won't have it. 
I won't have this affair turned into a ten-cent novel. (to Wilber) 
You've brought us to a pretty pass; you ought to be ashamed of 
yourself. 

Wil. Mother! 

Mrs. Yak. Don't attempt to excuse yourself; excuses heaped as 
high as Washington's monument wouldn't make this place anything 
but a desert. 

Gee. Don't, mamma. I admit it is useless to attempt to be com- 
fortable here, but we can at least try to be happy. 

Mrs. Yak. Sit down ! 

GrEK. But, mamma, you are breaking our hearts; don't you see 
you are! 

Mrs. Yak. Don't make yourself tedious. You'd like to turn this 
affair into a may-pole dance; I won't have it. Stir about, do some- 
thing; I'm tired of talk! Mr. Yan Twiller, put your shoulder to the 
mattress, and follow me. 

Mr. Vak. (shouldering mattress) Yes, my pet. 

Mrs. Yak. If I wasn't the most considerate woman in the world, 



20. 

I'd pack the whole lot of you off to a reformatory. Van Twiller, go 
ahead ! 

Exit Mr. Van Twiller "DL," followed by his wife, who gives her family a parting look. 
Percy, with stove-pipe, exits "D" in Flat. Gertrude crosses and touches Wilber upon 
the shoulder. 

Ger. Wilber. 

Wil. (starting) Gertrude, you heard mother? I can not live 
here. 

Ger. Oh, Wilber, don't say that; don't mind mamma! 

Wil. (falling into chair) It's not so much mother, but I can 
not remain here in idleness and be constantly reminded of my 
blunders. 

Ger. (kneels beside him) I want to tell you, Wilber; I don't 
blame you — none of us blame you. Mother is peculiar, but she 
doesn't mean what she says. [Wilber sobs -with head boived on table] 
Don't, Wilber; please, don,t. [caressing him] I love you so; we all 
love you. We don't mind coming to this place at all; it's only 
mamma who is disagreeable. I am sure, we will all be very happy 
here; won't we, Syble? 

Syb. [weeping] We can try to be. 

Wil. Happy ! Happj^, in a place like this ! You may be in time, 
Gertrude; for you have a light heart and a free conscience. But I, 
stung with remorse and regrets; never, never f 

Ger. Oh, Wilber, don't talk that way; I can't bear it. My heart 
is too full to speak, but you know what I want to say; we will soon 
forget we ever lived in a grand house; we will forget everything and 
everybody, except each other; and we will build a little world here of 
our own. [ weeping ]I£ you only knew how my heart aches for you; if 
you only knew ! 

Wil. [embracing her] Don't cry, Gertrude; don't. I would 
like to remain here for your sake and — Syble's; but would I not be 
more worthy of your love, should I try to regain what I have lost 
for you? Syble, is it not best for me to go? 

Syb. I can not advise you. 

Ger. She wants you to stay; of course she does. Don't you, 
Syble? 

Wil. No. It may seem ungrateful, but I must leave you. The 
sight of those I love in poverty and privation, would be more than I 
could endure. I must make an effort to lift them out of it. I can't 
speak, [kisses Gertrude] You will say, u Good-bye," for me. 
to father and mother, [turning to Syble and taking her hand] Syble 
I intended to ask something of you, if it had not been for our mis- 
fortunes. Perhaps, the day will come when I can; until then, good- 
bye! 

Ger. Wilber ! 
Wilber crosses to "D" in Flat and opens it. Gertrude throws her 

arms about him as if to detain him and Syble sinks sobbing upon 

chair. picture. 

CURTAIN. 



21. 



ACT III. 



Time — 1st of October. 

Cos tumes — Country. 

Scene — Exterior "On the Sahaba." Set house "R." steps leading 
to house. Fence running from "R. 3 E." to "L. 3 E." Gate "C" 
in fence. Wood wings and wood flat. 

At Rise of Curtain — Mr. Van Twiller is dozing upon bench 
near set house. Syble sits beside him, paring potatoes. Ger- 
trude manipulates a churn "R.," and Percy is sawing wood 
with a melancholy movement near "L. 2 E." Mrs. Van Twiller 
enters from "D." in house, in a huge apron and with a rolling-pin. 

Note — A locket, corresponding to the one in Percy's possession, is 
lying near where he is sawing wood. 

Mrs. Van. Van Twiller, bring in an armfull of wood! 
Mr. Van. [leaking] Ah — um. 

Mrs. Van". I said an armfull of wood; and be quick about it. 
Mr. Van. But, my darling? 

Mrs. Van. Did you hear me ! 
Mr. Van. f Yes, my love. 

Exit Mrs. Van Twiller "D" in house. Van Twiller crosses to Percy, gathers up small 
armfull of woajl, and staggers with it to and exits ''D" in house. 

Gbr. Syble, does it seem six months since that awful day when 
Wilberleftus? 

§yb. It seems much longer to me. 

Percy produces large piece of side-meat and greases his saw. 

Ger. And to think we have neyer heard from him in all that 
time. It's just like him. But he'll surprise us some day. 

Syb. You may be sure he will never come back until he has re- 
paired the wrong he has done. 

Percy commences to saw. 



22. 

Gee. Your faith in him is very sweet, Syble; and I shall tell him 
about it when he returns. Ah, do look at Percy; working away as 
if life offered nothing more intoxicating than a saw-horse. 

Syb. Yes; but he has been a great comfort to us. [knowingly] 
Did you ever think it queer, Gertrude; he should be content to re- 
main here so long? 

Percy stops sawing wood and greases his saw with the side-meat. 

Gee. [blushing] Well, he does seem to like the country; doesn't 
he? But then, you know, his father sent him to see it? 

Syb. I am afraid, however, he's not getting as extended a view of 
America as his father intended; his observations at present seem to 
be confined to a very narrow limit. 

M rs. Van. [within] Syble, bring in the potatoes ! 

Syb. Yes, madam, [rises and crosses to "D" in house] I'm cer- 
tain you'll have something to answer for in that direction, young 
lady.' 

Points at Percy, laughs and exits . 

Gee. [sits upon bench near churn] Well, I believe he is fond of 
me. I wonder what sort of a husband he'd make? He'd be amusing, 
anyway; and I always did like to be amused, [to Percij] Arn't you 
tired? 

Pec', [who has been watching her, drops the side-meat and saw] 
Y-a-a-s. [X's to her] I say, churning is pretty hard work; isn't it? 
You must be tired? 

Gee. I am. See, my hands are all covered with blisters. 

Pec', [sits beside her] You don't say! Let me see? It's a 
beastly shame for you to do this, you know. These hands were made 
for something better. 

Gee. Oh, I don't know; I think this sort of thing is taking the 
nonsense out of me. I used to be frivolous. 

Pec'. Indeed? 

Gee. And see how sedate I am now. 

Gertrude assumes a prude expression and Percy eyes her doubtfully. 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s. 

Gee. [shows him the palms of her hands] And this is the friv- 
olity coming out. 

He takes her hand; she playfully withdraws it and crosses tfphurn. 

Gee It's hard to be frivolous with a churning and a wash-day 
every week. 

Pec', [aside, on bench] I wonder if I will ever pluck up cour- 
age to ask her to marry me ? I suppose the Gov'nor would cage ; but 
d — n the Gov'nor. He never asked my consent when he married my 
mother. I'll have to settle it soon, for I'm 'bout out of excuses for 
staying here; and, besides, the first thing I know, the Gov'nor '11 be 
after me. 

Gee. [who has been looking to see if the butter is coming] Don't 
you often wonder what your father thinks of your long absence? 



Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s; but I don't care. He always insisted I was bull- 
lie aded, and I don't think it's right to get the credit of being a thing 
like that unless you really are. I suppose he thinks I'm following a 
girl with a locket through a country where they never write letters. 

Ger. But I should think you'd get homesick on this desert ? 

Pec'. [X's to her] Oh, no — I — well; let me help you churn! 
[aside] Great Caesar, that was a chance to say something nice! 

Business of confusion of hands in Percy's attempts to take hold of the churn-handle. 

Gee. You'd better not. You haven't answered my question? 

Pec'. Well — no, I never get home-sick; for there's something 
here that keeps it from being a desert to me. [aside] Lud, how 
nice, [aloud] I say, let me help you churn? 

Same play as above. 

Ger. Very well. 

She leaves churn and comes down U C." He gives the' handle several vicious plunges 
and follows her. 

Ger. Well, there may be an oasis on the Sahara; but if there is, I 
have never discovered it. 

Pec'. No, of course not; how could you? If you hunted all over 
the place, you'd never discover yourself. 

Ger. I guess I had better finish the churning. 

Pec', [stopping her] Don't; please. You see, Miss Gertrude, 
I've been loving you a long time; but I never could pluck up courage 
to say so. I'm sure you won't think me bull-headed if I say so now. 
I want you to be my wife. I'm not much of a man, I admit; but 
the Gov'nor is. And we'll both improve with time, if you'll only 
have me. Y-a-a-s. What did you say? Eh? Well, silence al- 
ways gives consent. 

Enter Mrs. VanTwiller from "D" in house. 

Pec'. I don't want you to love me right away; I don't expect it. 
Ger. But you dear, kind heart, I do love you. 

They embrace. Mrs. Van Twiller gets behind them. 

Pec'. Lud, isn't this nice! 
Mrs. Van. Gertrude! 

Gertrude runs to the churn, Percy to the saw-horse; both commence working wtih 
vigor. 

Mrs. Van. What are you trying to do! [to Percy] Stop your 
sawing! Percy, I'm ashamed of you! [Percy commences to saw vig- 
orously] Stop it! 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s. 

Mrs. Van. Gertrude, come in the house! 

Ger. But the churning? 

Mrs. Van. You seemed greatly interested in the churning when 
I came out. Come with me; Syble will finish the churning! 

Mrs. Van Twiller marches Gertrude to "D" in house. 

Mrs. Van. Everything about this place is absurd! 

Exit Gertrude and Mrs. Van Twiller "D" in house. 



24. 

Pec 1 , [straddles the saiv-horse] And you're an old simoon! She 
blows us all up. Poor Gertrude, this is a beastly li^e for her. I'll 
end her troubles ; I'll marry her in the spring, and carry her off to 
England. The Gov'nor will cage; but he'll get tired of that. If I 
could only find the Gov'nor's neice, I think he'd improve. Where's 
the locket? Ah, here you are. I've been so in love with Gertrude, 
I'd forgotten all about you. There isn't a locket-girl in this neigh- 
borhood; respectable place in that regard. Let me see; I've most 
forgotten. My aunt, Margeret, married against the Gov'nor's wish- 
es — no, that would be too emotional — unknown to the Gov'nor; to a 
fellow. I don't know his name; but he had a name, of course. 
I've got this thing mixed. We will say this is the Gov'nor; [his 
thumb] this is the fellow of no-name; [his fore-finger] this is my 
Aunt Margaret; [the middle finger] this is myself; [the ring-finger] 
and this petite affair (the little finger) is the girl with the locket. 
After the marriage ceremony, the fore-finger left the middle-finger 
with the thumb — who is my Gov'nor. I don't know why; but that 
isn't this finger's business. When this finger returned, he found 
this finger in the church-yard and this little fellow in the nursery. 
Now, I have a full hand. The thumb goes to a fox-chase; the fore- 
finger takes advantage of the occasion, catches the little-finger asleep 
and makes away with it. It's as clear as this greaser. ( holds up 
side-meat ) I don't think the thumb did the square thing by the 
middle-finger; that's why it get's rheumatic every 4th of March. 
( sees locket lying upon stage ) Hello, I didn't know I'd dropped you; 

I was so {feels his locket in his hand and looks at it amazed) 

Christopher! I have my locket in my hand and (picks up locket) 
here is another locket! (changes lockets from hand to hand) Pres- 
to! Still two lockets! This is an optical delusion! No, I'm 
asleep ! 

He rises, staggers to bench, falls upon it and pretends to be asleep. Enter Hyble from 
"D" in house. 

Syb. Percy, what's the matter! 

Pec'. I'm asleep; don't wake me! 

Syb. I don't understand. 

Pec'. I've got the night-mare! (jumping up quickly and show- 
ing her $ locket) What s this! Tell me, what's this! There's some- 
thing the matter with me! My eyes are wandering! 

Syb. It's my locket ; where did you find it ? 

Pec', (shows other locket) What's that! 

Syb. That's my — no ; why, they are both alike. 

Pec'. How many lockets have I; one or two? 

Syb. Two. 

Pec'. Which is yours? 

Syb. That one. No; this — oh, I don't know. 

Pec'. This is no dream? 

Syb. No. 

Eater Gertrude from l 'D" in Jaouse. 



25. 

Pec 1 . I have it! I'm awake! (dances) Hurrah! Three cheers! 
Tiger! (stopping in front of Syble) You're the little finger! Ha! 
Ha! You're the 4th of March! Huzzah! I've found you ! 

He embraces Syble. 

Syb. (pushing Mm away) Percy! 

Pec'. It's all right; I'll tell you in a minute! This is the little 
finger; that's you. Huzzah! Down with the 4th of March! I'll 
embrace you again! (embraces her) You won't mind when you 
know; you won't; I assure you. 

Syb. The boy's mad! 

Gee. (behind them) Percy! 

Pec', (turns and embraces Gertrude) Gertrude, I've got her! 

Stb. I'll leave him with you, dear; I don't know what s the mat- 
ter with him. 

Syble, laughing, exits "D" in house. 

Pec'. Where's she gone! Gertrude, it's all settled; we'll get mar- 
ried in the spring! 
, Geb. (angrily) So, I see. (aside) The villain! 

Pec', (on his fingers) This is the Gov'nor; this is the man of no 
name; this is my Aunt Margaret; this is myself, and this little un^ 
conscious member is Syble. We'll get married in the spring. 

He attempts to embrace her. • 

Gee. (turning on him) I hate you! 

Pec', (following her to 1 'R 2 E.) Eh! You don't understand, 
Gertrude. 

Gee. (backing to exit) I despise you! 

Pec'. Oh, don't say that. You see 

Ger. (interrupting him) I can't bear the sight of you ! Just a 
moment ago, you were filling my ears with nonsense, and now I 
catch you filling other ears with nonsense; and, heaven knows, how 
many ears I know nothing about. You're a mean, deceitful thing; 
that's what you are ! 

Pec'. Gertrude! 

Gee. ("at R 2 E.") Mamma always said you were a simpleton, 
and even if mamma is disagreeable, there is often truth in what she 
says. You don't know truth from fiction. When I think of it I 
never want to see you again; I never want to speak to you, I said I 
loved you. I was fooling. I hate you ! ( exit) 

Pec'. Lud, I've got my foot in it somewhere! Gertrude! Ger- 
trude! (exit u R2Er) 

Enter Mrs. Van Twiller from "D" in house. 

Mrs. Va:n". (calling) Gertrude! Ger-^trude! G-e-r-t-r-u-d-e ! 
Why have you stopped churning ! . G-e-r-t-r-u-d-e ! This is enough 
to try the patience of a Sphinx! 

She takes dinner-horn, which hangs neardo^r in house, and blows it vigorously, run- 
ning from one exit to another. Mr. Van Twiller enters fr< m "D" in house. Mrs. Van. 
blows a blast in his ears. 



26. 

Mr. Vast. What's up my darling? 

Mrs. Van. Up; Mr. Van Twiller! Up! Have yon the heart to 
ask! What's always up here? Nonsense, ridiculous nonsense; ev- 
erybody running about like lunatics. Nobody attending to their 
business like christians. Where's Gertrude? Where s Percy? 
Where's Twiggs? Where are we! (blows the trumpet) 

Mr. Van. I don't know, my love. 

Mrs. Van. Of course, you don't. That's the absurd side of it; 
you never know anything. What's more, you don't want to; you 
don't care. (blows the trumpet) There isn't a soul on this place to 
be trusted; even the cow jumps the fence, and away she goes with the 
rest of you. Finish the churning! 

Mr. Van. But, my darling? 

Mrs. Van. Don't be ridiculous ! 

Mrs. Van Twiller flounces into the house giving a final flourish upon the trumpet. 

Mr. Van. (holding his ears) Um — ah, I'll break that thing. 
Talk about strong-minded women; shades of my great ancestor, 
Wouter, protect me. (he seats himself and commences to churn me- 
chanically) I don't see why mother see ever married. She 
didn't need a protector. Ah — um, she has the unction of a spile- 
driver; she not only sweeps us into a corner but glues us there with 
her adjectives. 

Enter, "R 3 B," Gertrude followed by Percy. He catches and holds her. 

Pec'. Hold on! Give a fellow a chance ! 

Ger. Let me go! 

Peo'. (holds up his thumb) This is the Gov'nor! 

Gertrude breaks away and exits "L 3 E;" Percy follows, calling "Gertrude!" 

Mr. Van. (looking around) Gertrude! Your mother wants 
you. Ah — um, gone, (yawning) I feel very sleepy. Mother re- 
minds me of my great ancestor, Wouter, Governor of New Amster- 
dam. • [sleepily churning] Think mother must be distantly related 
to the Governor, [yawning] Ah — um, Wouter, Governor of New 
Amsterdam; ah — um, 'dam — 'dam — 'dam. [falls asleep] 

MUSIC. 
Enter through gate "C" in fence, Lord Featherly, Percy's father, as "Bilks," and Wilber 
Van Twiller, disguised as "Blutcher," detectives. They enter eautiously and look 
about them before speaking. 

Featherly. Blutcher, you have led me a wild-goose chase. Of all 
weird, and weather-afflicted places, this is the worst: it has all the 
elements of perdition, [dramatically] My son is not here, Blutch- 
er; not here! Oh, my bull-headed son; my son! 

Wil. Gently, sir; you'll raise the neighborhood. 

Fea. I don't care, [with wild gesticulations] I feel like yelling, 
and I will yell! Blutcher, you came tome in my despair — all means 
of discovering the whereabouts of my son had been tried and failed — 
you came to me then, Blutcher. I do not konw from whence. But 
you came and said: Blutcher will take my case in hand; Blutcher 



27. 

will place my son beneath my cane. Blutcher, you are like all the 
rest: you bring me to a desert, where there is no one, and say you 
will find him here. Blutcher, you are no detective. Oh, my mis- 
guided son, where are you! Don't interrupt me! I feel like yelling, 
and I insist upon it. Blutcher, have you a father's heart in your 
breast? No! Have you a kingdom without an heir?. No! Have 
you, Oh, Blutcher — [Mr. Van Twiller snores] Blutcher, what was 
that! 

Wilber takes Featherly mysteriously to one side. 

Wil. Hist! 

Mr. Van Twiller snores. 

Fea. Eh? Certainly. Hist! 

Wil. It's the owner of the place. He's asleep. Shall I waken 
him? 

Fea. Certainly; providing he doesen't look dangerous. 

Wilber crosses to Mr. Van Twiller and touches him upon the shoulder. 

Mr. Van", [starting and going through a pantomime of churning] 
Yes, my darling! 

Wilber laughs aside. 

Fea. What does he say? 

Wil. He inquires after your health. 

Fea. [doffing his hat] Thanks; I'm robust. 

Wilber touches his father's shoulder again, and he awakens with a start and looks about 
him. 

Mr. Van. [rising] Ah — um, visitors! Welcome, to the Saha- 
ra! Take a seat. The place is a little out of repairs, gentleman; a 
little out of repairs, ah — um, but very comfortable; very. Gentle- 
men, will you accommodate yourselves with the bench. 

Fea. I never sit on a bench. Blutcher, withdraw. Honest 
farmer, I am a detective. My name is Bilks. This gentleman is al- 
so a detective. ■ His name is Blutcher. Together, we are a pair of 
detectives. We are looking up my — a bull-headed son, who has 
broken my — his father's heart. Oh, my — his misguided son ! [ Wit- 
her touches his shoulder] I insist upon it; my — his son! Honest 
farmer, do you mind my yelling? 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, not at all; I'm used to that sort of thing. 

Eea. You see, Blutcher. Oh, my — his son! Pardon me; I be- 
lieve I will sit down. 

Featherly crosses to and sits upon bench. 

Mr . Van. Ah — um, you have my sympathy. 

Featherly and Va n Twiller commence to eye each other, rise simultaneously and rush 
into 3ach others arms. 

Fea. Van! 

Mr. Van. Feather! 

Enter Mrs. Van Twiller from "D" in house. 



28. 

Mrs. Van - . What's this! More embracing! More nonsense! 
What do you mean ! What are you trying to do ? Everybody on 
this place is going mad* Mr. Van Twiller ! 

Mr. Van". Yes, my darling. This is Featherly, my pet; my old, 
friend, Featherly. This is Blutcher; Blutcher, the detective. Feath- 
erly, old boy and Blutcher, detective; this is my wife. 

Fea. I am honored. 

Wil. ' And I, madam. 

Fea. That will do, Blutcher. 

Mrs. Van Twiller bows stiffly. 

Mr. Vast. Gentlemen, come inside and have dinner with us? 

Mrs. Van Twiller pinches her husband. 

Mr. Van. [starting] My love, don't do that again; don't. 

Mrs. Van. [aside to Van Twiller] There isn't a thing in the 
house fit to eat. 

Mr. Van. Oh, my love. 

Fea. I'm very hungry. I have used my lungs somewhat, and it 
always sharpens my appetite. You're camping out here; eh? 

Mrs. Yan Twiller pinches her husband. 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, yes. 

Fea. You always were queer, Van; devilish queer. Don't put 
yourself to any trouble on my account. A poached egg, a bottle of 
claret, a small steak and a piece of fowl; oh, anything will do. me. 

Mrs. Van. [aside to Mr. Van.] Hear the man talk. 

Fea. But let us go in. I have my troubles to unload, and the 
sooner the better — the sooner the better. 

Exit Featherly "D" in house followed by Mr. and Mrs. Van Twiller. 

Wil. (takes a survey of the premises) "Home, Sweet Home;" 
everything changed except mother. I wonder if Syble is in the 
house ? 

Enter Syble from - 'D" in house. 

Syb. Mrs. Van Twiller wants to know if you won't come in, sir? 

Wil. (starting) Yes. Presently. Wait a moment. I am a 
detective. My name is Blutcher. I have a few questions to ask. 
Pardon me, if I become inquisitive. 

Syb. That depends, upon the nature of your questions, sir. 

Wil. May I continue? 

Syb. Upon the conditions. 

Wil. Mr. Van Twiller had a son who ruined him. (Syble starts) 
Is that too abrupt? Pardon me, if it is. An unsophisticated individ- 
ual 

Syb. (interrupting) Mr. Van Twiller's son was unfortunate. 
Will you come in, sir. 

Syble turns to enter house, Wilber puts out his arms as if undecided whether or not to 
embrace her. 

Wil. [aside] I'll have to do it. 



V 



Syb. [turning J Is there anything I ean do for you? 

Wil. Yes; wait a moment. I am informed that Mr. Van Twil- 
ler's son, instead of remaining with his parents after their reverses, 
deserted them. Ingratitude; oh, there is nothing in this world so 
despicable. 

Syb. You have been misinformed, sir; he was always kind and 
considerate. 

Wil. [aside J Oh, I must do something; take her hand at least. 

Syble turns again about to enter house. 

Wil. Wait a moment, Miss. I saw Wilber Van Twiller, yester- 
day. 

Syb. [crossing to him quickly'] When? Where? What was 
he doing? Was he well? 

Wil. [indifferently] Quite well; thank you. I have seen him 
on change very often the last few months, looking down in the 
mouth and jingling a few large coppers in his pockets. He always 
came in early and left late, and usually in a blue haze of depression. 

Syb. Poor Wilber; how much he has suffered? 

Wil. Tortures, Miss; tortures. One afternoon, he met Jorkins. 
They had an interview. After that they were always seen on change 
together. That was in August. In the early part of September, 
his old friends, began shaking hands with me — with him, I mean — 
which inferred 

Syb. [interrupting] He has regained his fortune and is coming 
home ? 

Wil. [looking about him] Home? Not much, if this is home. 
He'll purchase the old family castle, marry and settle down. No 
home like this for Wilber. Ingratitude, as I said before. 

Syb. He will return; I'm sure he will. Did he ever speak of us? 

Wil. [aside] Ah, I'll have to embrace her. [aloud] Not a 
word. Oh, ingratitude; hideous monster! By the way, Wilber fell 
in love with a sort of niece of the family before he left home. 

Syb. Indeed? 

Wil. Yes. But she's forgotten him and he — well, he wasn't ca- 
pable of constancy. 

Syb. Did he tell you so ? 

Wil. Tell me what? 

Syb. That he was in love with a sort-of-niece, as you call her ? 

Wil. A thousand times. He took me into his confidence. She 
didn't love him. 

Syb. No? 

Wil. No. 

Syb. Sure? 

Wil I never asked her. 

Syb. You? 

Wil. No; he never asked her. 

Syb. Then of course he didn't know? 

Wil. No. 



30. 

Syb. I am slightly acquainted with this sort-of -niece. 

Wil. You are? 

Syb. Yes. 

Wil. Perhaps you could give some information ? 

Syb. Perhaps. • 

Wil. Eh? 

Syb. [crossing to "D" in house] You won't tell him? 

Wil. No. 

Syb. She loves him. 

Wil. [following her] She does? 

Syb. You had better come in. 

Exit Syble "D" in house. Wilber stands upon threshold watching her. 

Wil. Syble! She loves me. Blutcher you have made Wilber 
Van Twiller happy. 

He is about to enter, comes in contact with Lord Featherly who is coming' out "D" in 
house, followed by Mr. Van Twiller. 

Fea. Blutcher, your pardon. 

Wil. Don't mention it. 

Fea. Blutcher, you are the king of detectives. The young 
scapegrace is here; has been here all the time, making butter and cul- 
tivating cereals. 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, detective. 

Fea. Think of it, Blutcher; a Featherly in the butter business! 
Yes, Blutcher, but that's not jjjjl ; he is at this very moment with Van 
Twiller's daughter. Heaven knows where; but no matter where, 
somewhere, making wholesale love. Yes, and he has a sweetheart in 
England dying for him. My cane quivers to teach him his duty to 
her, to his home and his loving father, (he flourishes his cane over 
his head) I'll break every bone in his body! Come! 

Mr. Van. But, Feather, old boy? 

Fea. I insist upon it! 

Featherly hauls Van Twiller off '-R 2 E." Wilber follows laughing. Enter "L 3 E," Ger- 
trude, very tired and mussed up. She runs to and falls exhausted upon bench. 

Ger. Oh, but I'm tired! Anyway, I've lost him; the deceitful 
thing! What do I care about his thumbs and fingers. That has 
nothing to do with his kissing her. (imitating Percy) ''This is the 
Gov'nor." The old thing! It was real mean of Syble to let him; it 
was ! (weeps ) 

Enter Percy "L3 E" out of breath, sees Gertrude and runs to her. 

Pec'. Oh, there you are! You're not crying? 

Ger. Yes, I am. 

Pec'. Wait 'till I get my breath, and I'll ask you not to. 

Ger. Don't catch your breath on my account. 

Pec'. We're the victims of a circumstance. Now I have you; 
y-a-a-s, I'll explain it. 

Ger. Go way; I won't listen! 

Pec'. But I insist, (on his fingers) This is the Gov'nor. 



31. 

Ger. Thumbs, again ? 

Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s; thumbs. This is the man of no name; this is my 
Aunt Margaret 

Ger. I can't see the resemblance. 

Pec 1 . And you never will if you keep on interrupting me. This 
is 

Ger. Your grandmother? 

Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s; and this is Syble. 

Ger. Where do I come in ? 

Pec 1 . You don't come in this. 

Ger. Indeed ! 

Pec 1 . Y-a-a-s; you^-e the full hand, (talking quickly) After 
the ceremony, the fore-finger left the middle-finger with the thumb. 
The fore-finger went away and came back and found this finger 
in the church yard and this finger in the nursery. The thumb being 
at a fox chase; the fore-finger catches the little-finger asleep and 
makes away with it. Do you see ? 

Enter "R 3 E" Featherly, followed by Van Twiller. Gertrude rises, comes down "C" 
Percy follows. 

Pec 1 . Do you see? 
Ger. See; what? 

Fea. (to Van Twiller) What did I tell you, Van! 
Mr. Van. (holding Featherly) Don^ make an ass of yourself, 
Featherly; don't! 
Pec 1 , (to Gertrude) Do you know whatlVe been talking about? 
Ger. No. 

Pec 1 . This is the Gov'nor. 
Ger. Your Gov'nor is a simpleton! 
Pec 1 . Eh! 
Fea. (aside) The minx! 

Featherly flourishes his cane and tries to loosen Van Twiller's hold on his coat-tails 

Mr. Vast. Be calm, Featherly; be calm! 

Ger. (to Percy) Papa said he was a simpleton. 

Featherly gives Van Twiller a withering- look. Van. opens his mouth to speak but 
doesn't. 

Pec 1 . Well, nobody said he wasn't. That isn't it. 

Fea. (same play as above ) Eh ! „, You young scapegrace ! 

Pec 1 , (holding up his thumb) This is the Gov'nor! 

Fea. (breaking away from Van Twiller, comes forward and be- 
tween Percy and Gertrude) Damme! its no such thing; I'm the 
Gov'nor! 

Ger. Oh! 

Pec', (falling upon his knees) The Gov'nor! Oh, lud! 

Fea. [flourishing his cane dramatically above his head] I'll 
break every bone in your body! 

Mr. Van. [holding Featherly by his coat tails] Feather, look 
out; you'll hurt yourself! 



32. 
Fea. [same play~\ I must, Van; I must! 

Enter hurriedly from "D" in house, Mrs. Van Twiller and Syble Reed. Enter from 
"R3 E." Wilber Van Twiller. 

Mrs. Van. What are you all trying to do ! Sit down ! 

Fea. {same play) Pardon me, madam; but I've got to break 
every bone in his body! It's an unpleasant duty I owe his mother! 
Ingrate, what have you got to say for yourself? 

Pec', (rises and crosses to Syble) Gov'nor, I have found the u 4th 
of March! ' (embracing Syble) You broke every bone in her poor 
mother's body; break one of mine at your peril! 

Fea. (dropping his cane) What! 

Wilber comes forward, takes Syble's hand and drags her away from Percy. 

Wil. Is this the way you love Wilber Van Twiller! 

Stb. How dare you! 

Fea How dare you, Blutcher! 

Wil. (throwing off his disguise) I am not Blutcher ! I am 
Wilber Van Twiller! 
All start back amazed. Gertrude throws herself into Wilber' s arms. 



PICTURE. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT IV. 



Time — Two weeks later. 
Scene — Same as Act I. 
At Rise of Curtain — Enter U D. C." Twiggs reading newspaper. 

Twig. Well! (crosses to table reading) "From reverses to op- 
pulence. The victims of Jorkins & Jorkins arise from the aslies of 
disaster. And return in splendor to the home of their ancestors. A 
very interesting and romantic account of a young man's devotion and 
energy." Isn't that splendid! (reads) "On the 10th of last 
March, the firm of Jorkins & Jorkins was suspended. (Enter U D G" 
Mr. and Mrs. Van Twiller) "At the time of the financial crash " 

Mrs. Van. Twiggs, leave the room. 

Twiggs exits "D C," hurriedly. 

Mr. Van", (sitting near table) It seems rather pleasant to be in 
the old home. 

Mrs. Van. Eh? Well, don't get sentimental over it; you're too 
old for that. 

Mr. Van". And just to think Syble is Featherly's niece. Good 
girl; will make a splendid wife for Wilber. 

Mrs. Van. She will make nothing of the sort. Hasn't a penny. 
It's absurd. 

Mr. Van. But, my darling? 

Mrs. Van. There; I won't be argued with. I have other plans 
for Wilber. 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, my love; Wilber consulted me in regard to 
the matter and I, ah — um, gave my consent. I was sure you would 
agree with me; you know, my love you always do( ?) 

Mrs. Van. What! 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, I said he could marry her. 

Mrs. Van. Van Twiller, you're an idiot! 

Mr. Van. My pet? 



34. 

Mrs. Van. I will settle this affair immediately. Where's Wilber? ^ 

Mr. Van. I don't know. 

Mrs. Van. Umph! I will see him at once, (exit "D C") 

Mr. Van. Ah — urn, mother is too lively for any use. She tries 
to run the whole house; ah — um, and she does to a certain extent. 
What a pity she doesn't sleep more. (yawning) I can't get it out 
of my head that she isn't connected in some way to my illustrious 
ancestor, Wouter, Governor of New Amsterdam, (nodding) I 
can't get it out of my head. Second-cousin to the Governor; Gov- 
ernor of New Amsterdam, ah — um — 'dam — 'dam. (falls asleep) 

Twiggs appears at "D C." 

Twig. Lord Featherly! 

Mr. Van. (asleep) Ah — um, 'dam. 

Exit Twiggs and enter Featherly. 

Fea. Well, Van! 

Mr. Van. (asleep) Yes, my love. 

Fea. Eh? 

Mr. Van. (dreaming) Welcome, to the Sahara! 

Fea. (shaking him) Van! 

Mr. Van. (starting up) Don't do that again ! Don't! Oh, it's 
you, Featherly? 

Fea. Yes. 

Mr. Van. Sit down. I am delighted to see you. I was indulg- 
ing in a quiet snooze when you came in. Ah — um, take a seat. 

Fea. Thanks; I haven't time. I can only stay a moment. We 
sail for England this afternoon. 

Mr. Van. So? 

Fea. Yes. I have procured staterooms for Percy, Syble and my- 
self; and now they inform me, the young rascals, they have decided 
not to sail. Was a man ever so pestered with a bull-headed ingrate 
on one hand and a love-sick niece on the other? Mark it, Van; they 
sail this afternoon, if I have them ironed and carried aboard the 
steamer. Pardon me ; I believe, I will sit down. 

Mr. Van. You have my sympathy. Where are the young peo- 
ple? 

Fea. (rising) They're below. That reminds me they are not to 
be trusted in each other s company. The truth of it is, Van, that 
wild-headed offspring of mine is in love with your daughter. 

Mr. Van. With Gertrude? 

Fea. Yes, with Gertrude. Excellent young lady; but I have dis- 
posed of Percy's future otherwise. Butterfield's daughter has half a 
million in her own right, and she's pining for him. 

Mr. Van. Does he love her? 

Fea. Damme, no; of course not. But he's got to marry her; it's 
a duty he owes his father. But I am losing time while they're im- 
proving it. (takes Van's hand) Good-bye, Van; when you visit 
England, remember Evergreen Manor. 

Mr. Van. Pleasant journey, Featherly. 



35. 

Fea. I will send Percy and Syble up to say good-bye. Farewell ! 

Exit Featherly "D C." 

Mr. Van. Queer man, Featherly; quite an old simpleton in his 
way. Ah — um, but I must finish my snooze. Everytime I snooze 
lately, I dream of the Sahara, (yawning) It's becoming quite a 
nightmare. I used to dream of Wouter, my illustrious ancestor, 
Governor of New Amsterdam, (nodding) Poor Wouter. I won- 
der if he ever lived on the Sahara. Ah — um, on the Sahara. 

Falls asleep. Enter "D L." hurriedly, Mrs. Van. Twiller. 

Mrs. Van. Van Twiller! 

Mr. Van. (asleep)) Ah — um, pleasant journey, Featherly. 

Mrs. Van. (shaking him) Van Twiller! 

Mr. Van. (starting up) Yes, my darling. 

Mrs. Van. Sleeping again? 

Mr. Van. Trying to, my pet. 

Mrs. Van. How can joixl It's absurd! 

Mr. Van. Quite absurd. 

Mrs.- Van. Eh? 

Mr. Van. My, darling, you seem excited? 

Mrs. Van. Excited! Umph! There is a respectable magazine 
under us about to explode! 

Mr. Van. My love, you don't mean it! 

Mrs. Van. (mysteriously) Boom! 

Mr. Van. Eh! 

Mrs. Van. (hauling him to "D C") Come with me! 

Mr. Van. But, my darling, (exit) 

Laughing within. Enter ' - D C" Percy, Gertrude, Wilber and Syble. Gertrude carries 
her hat in her hand, which she places upon table soon after entering. 

Wil. In reverses or prosperity, mother is always the same. 

Stb. Wilber, what did she want with you? 

Wil. Nothing; that is, worth mentioning. Ah, Percy, you and 
mother must have had it on the Sahara? 

Pec'. Had it, my dear fellow; I assure you, we did. It was, 
"Percy, saw wood!" it was, "Percy, run to the village!" Why, 
really; it was "Percy!" from six in the morning until bed-time. Lud! 
I used to get so tired it became an effort to breathe. 

All laugh. 

Pec'. That's right; laugh. And there was wash-day; Great Cae- 
sar, Gertrude, do you remember wash clay! Your hair flopping up 
and down, every time you went up and down in the tub; your eyes 
red with the suds and your calico gown stained with soap and water. 

All laugh. 

Gee. I deny the wash-day. 
Pec'. It's true; isn't it, Syble? 

Stb. Certainly; and while you were talking, I was trying to re- 
member what her mamma compared her to? 



36. 

Pec'. So was I; queer, isn't it? One of those things that slop 
about in ponds regardless; don't you know? 

Syb. A hippopotamus. 

Ger. It's outrageous! 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s; she called you a hippopotamus, [laughs] 

Wil. Quite appropriate for the Sahara. 

Pec'. Lud, it makes me laugh. 

Ger. Percy ! 

Pec'. Eh? 

Ger. Stop laughing; it bores me terribly. 

Pec'. I beg your pardon. 

Ger. [sitting down wpon settee "L,"] Percy, come here, and sit 
beside me. [making room for him] I want to talk to you. 

Pec', [sitting beside her] All right. 

Wilber and Syble occupy settee "R." 

Ger. [to Percy] When do you return to England? 
Pec', [getting very close to her] When somebody makes up her 
mind to return with me. 

Percy looks over his shoulder at Wilber and Syble, goes through an undecided panto- 
mime and takes Gertrude's hand. During this the following. 

Wil. Your uncle seems determined to sail for England this af- 
ternoon; but, surely you will not accompany him? 
Syb. I don't see how I can avoid it. 

Wilber looks over his shoulder at Percy and Gertrude: same play. During which the 
following: 

Pec'. I thought it was all settled? 
Ger. What? 

Same play. Puts ring on Gertrude's finger. 

Wil. Is not this an argument to keep you here ? 
Syb. A ring? 

Same play. Puts ring on Syble's finger. 

Pec'. We will be married in the spring. 

Ger. At Trinity. 

Pec'. And we will spend our honeymoon 

Ger. u Onthe Sahara." 

Same play. They embrace. 

Syb. What will your mother say? 
Wil. She'll be delighted^?) 

Same play. They embrace. 

Ger. What will your father say? 

Pec 1 . He'll go into ecstacies; he'll roll all over himself. 

Same play. Percy kisses Gertrude. Wilber kisses Syble. Percy and Wilber wink 
at each other and repeat the business. Enter, "D C," Mrs. Van Twiller followed by 
her husband. 



37. 

Mrs. Van. [to Mr. Van.] What did I tell you! Wilber! 
Gertrude! 

All rise startled from settees. 

Mrs. Van. What are you all trying to do ! Gertrude, go to 
your room! 

Gee. But, mamma? 

Mrs. Van. Go to your room and — sit down ! 

Wil. Mother! 

Mrs. Van. [to Wilber J Not a word ! [to Percy who is follow- 
ing Gertrude to "D L."] Where are you going? 

Pec 1 . With Gertrude. 

Mrs. Van. [throwing up her hands] Well! 

Exit Gertrude "D L." 

Pec'. You see, it's all settled; in the spring, at Trinity, "On the 
Sahara." [exit "D £."] 

Mrs. Van. Well! [to Wilber, who has taken Syble's arm and is 
leading her to "D JR."] Wilber, where are you going? 

Wil. To a more congenial clime. Mother, we have fixed it. 

Mrs. Van. Fixed what? 

Wil. It's a secret at present ; but you shall know in time to pre- 
pare a banquet, [exit with Syble "D JR.'"] 

Mrs. Van. [falling upon a chair] It's gone up! 

Mr. Van. What, iny love? 

Mrs. Van. The magazine, [rising] It's absurd! I won't al- 
low it! 

Enter hurriedly, "D C," Lord Featherly. 

Fea. Excuse me, for coming in unannounced. I was informed 
my son had returned to the hotel. I have been at the hotel. He is 
not there. Who knows— oh, my son! 

Mrs. Van. My lord, it's all up; your son is with Gertrude, and 
my son is with your niece. 

Fea. Which way? 

Mrs. Van. Anyway. 

Fea. I'll break every bone in his body if he marries her. 

Featherly rushes to "D L," and il D K," and then out "D C," each time crossing Mrs. Van. 

Mrs. Van. I'll disown him if he marries her. 

Exit Mrs. Van Twlller "D R." 

Mr. Van. [seated] Ah — um, I wonder what my great ancestor 
would do if he were here. He might say, the young folks had pluck; 
that Featherly was as unctious as my wife, and that my wife was dis- 
turbing the peace and deserved a reprimand, [yawning] Not so, 
my worthy ancestor. History tells us, during the most intricate sit- 
uations, he called for a pot of beer, and dozed off. Sensible man, 
my illustrious ancestor, Wouter, Governor of New Amsterdam. 
Ah — um, 'dam — 'dam — 'dam. [falls asleep] 

Enter "D C," Lord Featherly aad gercy. They come down "C." 



38. 

Fea. We sail for England this afternoon? 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s. * 

Fea. What do you mean, by y-a-a-s? 

Pec'. Y-a-a-s. 

Fea. I'll disown you, if you marry Gertrude; remember, I'll cut 
you off without a shilling. 

Pec'. I say, Gov'nor; don't get tragic. What do you want me to 
do? 

Fea. Return to England and marry Butterfield's daughter. Fine 
estate 

Pec'. Of red hair. 

Fea. With half a million, you should't mind that. 

Pec'. I don't. Well? 

Fea. Well? _ 

Pec'. I'll do it. Here's my hand upon it. 

Fea. No; come to my arms, [they embrace] 

Pec', [winking over his father 's shholder — aside] Anything for 
peace. 

Fea. Percy, you have lifted a load off my heart; you have filled 
my heart with joy. Remain here; I will go below and prepare Syble 
for the journey, [turning] Ah, Van, asleep? Good-bye, Van; 
when you visit England, remember Evergreen Manor? 

Mr. Van. (stirs) Ah — urn! 

Exit "D C," Featherly. Enter "D R," Wilber and Mrs. Van Twiller. 

Mrs. Van. There; I knew you would be sensible. I am sure, 
nothing would induce you to take such a foolish step ? 

Wil. Nothing(?) 

Mrs. Van. She sails for England this afternoon, and you will 
soon forget her? 

Wil. No doubt of it(?) 

Pec', [coming forward] Mrs. Van Twiller, my father wishes to 
see you in the parlor. 

Mrs. Van. Dear man, I will see him at once, [at D C] Wilber? 

Wil. Yes, mother. 

Mrs. Van. Remember; don't be ridiculous, [exit.] 

Pec'. It's all up! 

Wil. Not at all, my dear fellow. I anticipated this and pre- 
pared for it. Business experience has taught me to look ahead for 
breakers. 

Pec'. Hist! Your Gov'nor. [points at Mr. Van.] 

Wil. Snoozing, [crosses to his father] Father? 

Mr. Van. [asleep] Ah — um, my love. 

Wil. He won't interrupt us. [coming doivn "C." — hands Percy 
a marriage certificate J First, read that. 

Pec', [reads] "Percy Featherly and Gertrude Van Twiller." 
Capital! 

Wil. Secondly, read that. 



39. 

Pec', (reads) "Wilber Van Twiller and Syble Reed." Almost 
as good as firstly, (returns certificates) 

Wil. Thirdly; a letter to be left with father. Fourthly; bring 
the girls here and win their consent. Fiftly; Brown, minister, next 
door. Sixthly; slip away, get married, return and face the music. 

Pec', The very thing. I'll get the girls. Look out for my 
Gov'nor. (exif'D. L.") 

Mr. Van. (dreaming) Ah — um, Featherly; welcome, to the 
Sahara! 

Wil. (crossing to him) Dreaming? (crosses to "D C' and 
looks out; Mr. Van opens his eyes and watches him,) Ah, if mother 
only slept as much as you. 

Mr. Van. (winks knowingly — aside) Ah — um, if she only did. 

Wil. Now for thirdly, (crosses to desk and commences to write 
hurriedly) "My dear mamma:" What next? (thinks and ivrites) 
That's capital ! ( laughs — Mr. Van sits up and looks at Wilder; Wit- 
her turns — business of falling asleep on the part of Mr. Van. ) 
"From your affectionate son, Wilber." (holds up letftbr) Thirdly! 

Enter "D L," Percy with Gertrude and Syble, 

Wil. Oh, you've come at last. Now, for fifthly. My dears, you 
see how the land lays; Percy has explained? 

Ger. No. 

Pec'. Well, the Gov'nor is determined' Syble and I shall return to 
England, this afternoon, and we are determined to 

Mr. Van. (dreaming) Churn, my love; a Van Twiller churn! 

All start, turn and look at Mr. Van Twiller who, during the following scene, keeps one 
eye open. 

Wil. Proceed; he's sleeping. 

Pec'. I'll fix it with Gertrude, you with Syble; I never could with 
you all looking at me. 

Each couple take opposite sides of the stage and commence going through a pantomime 
of explanations. 

Mr. Van. (dreaming) Stocks booming. Wilber here. Wilber, 
I knew you would return. Leave the Sahara. Old home. Wel- 
come, to the Old Home. 

Ger'. (to Percy) Run away? Never! No trousseau, no pres- 
ents, no nothing; no Miss So-&-so eyeing me from the front pew, and 
no old maids predicting evil in the vestibule? I couldn't think of it. 
I'll have a banquet bef ore I have a husband, or I should forget after 
the ceremony I was married. 

Pec'. That settles it. (more pantomime) 

Wil. (to Syble) I will make it all right with mother. 

Stb. Wilber, I couldn't; indeed, I couldn't. 

Wilber indulges in more pantomime. 

Mr. Van. (dreaming) Why have you stopped churning? 

Pec', (to Gertrude) Very well, then I'll go home with the 
Gov'nor. It's either Brown, next door, or England, three thousand 
miles away. 



WlL. 


Not at all. 


Pec'. 


Ditto. 


WlL. 

Ger. 


(crossing to Gertrude) 
You advise this? 


WlL. 

Ger. 


Certainly. 
Nonsense ! 



40. 

Ger. But, Percy, there must be some other way. 
Pec 1 . Suggest it. (crosses to Wither ) Wilber, how are you 
progressing? 



Gertrude, what's the matter? 



Wilber indulges in more pantomime. 

Mr. Van. It's getting dull "On the Sahara." 
Pec 1 , (to Syble) Syble, dear coz, it's the only thing; take my 
oath on it. 

Syb. But Mrs. Van Twiller? 

Pec'. Bother Mrs. Vau Twiller. 

Mrs. Van. (within) Lord Featherly! 

Percy and Wilber recross. 

Wil. (to Syble) It's Brown or England. 

Pec', (to Gertrude) It's next door or Evergreen Manor. 

Ger. (to Syble) Syble? 

Syb. Gertrude ? 

Ger. Brown. 

Syb. Next door. 

Pec'. Bravo ! 

Wil. Hurry; get your wraps! I hear mother! We will meet you 
below! 

Exit Syble and Gertrude "D L." 

Wil. Percy, wait a moment, (crosses to his father) Now, for 
thirdly. Father. 

Mr. Van. Yes, Twiggs. 

Wil. A letter. 

Mr. Van. Yes, Twiggs. 

Wilber puts the letter in his father's hand. Mrs. Van., within, calls "Lord Featherly 1" 

Pec'. That's your mother! 
Wil. Yes. Come ! 

Exit, "D L," Wilber and Percy. 

Mr. Van. (sitting upright and laughing) Ah — um, so the 
youngsters thought I was asleep. Eh? Oh, yes; the letter. This 
looks like business. This is the first time in my life I've had a 
chance to get ahead of mother. I'll help the young folks out. (steps 
within) Ah — um, somebody's coming! I must snooze off again. 

He falls back in his chair and snores. Enter "D L," Gertrude with cloak over her 
shoulder and tugging at her gloves. 

Ger. I wonder where my hat is ! I've hunted high and low for 
it. (rushes about room) Oh, papa! (catches herself) 



41. 

Mr. Van", [forgetting himself] Yes, Gertrude, [catches him- 
self] 

Ger. Oh, I've wakened him; and he'll tell mamma! [gets be- 
hind him] Papa, are you asleep? 

Mr. Van snores and winks at the audience. Gertrude leans over his chair, looks at him 
and then tip-toes about room; finds her hat and gets in front of glass to adjust it. 

Ger. Oh, I'll never be married this way again — never! I'm 
frightened to death! It's no fun at all! Anyway, it's a comfort to 
kn o w my hat is becoming. 

Pec', (within) Gertrude! 

Gee. Coming! 

Enter, "D C," Mrs. Van Twiller; sees Gertrude. 

Mrs. Vast. Gertrude, what are you trying to do! 

Percy peeps in l- D L," takes in the situation and exits accordingly. 

Ger. Oh, mamma; is it you! (aside) My, how I'll have to &e 
to get out of this! 

Mrs. Van. What have you your wraps on for? I thought I 
sent you to your room? Where are you going? 

Ger. Mamma, your just the person I wanted to see. 

Mr. Van. (aside) No. one! 

Mrs. Van. What do you want? 

Ger. Well, you see, mamma; you see, mamma 

Mrs. Van. I see you're making a fool of yourself. 

Ger. Well, mamma; I've had such a shock. Poor, dear Lord 
Featherly 

Mrs. Van. What's the matter with him ? 

Ger. He's been taken with (aside) I wonder what he's 

been taken with? 

Mr. Van. (aside) Ah — um, stuck. 

Mrs. Van. Well? 

Ger. He's been taken with fits; and I've got to go for the doctor. 

Mrs. Van. Send Twiggs! 

Ger. No, mamma. Poor, dear, lame, old Twiggs; he'd die before 
Twiggs got back. 

Mrs. Van. Then go for the doctor. Where's Percy? 

Ger. I don't know. 

Percy peeps in "D L," and Gertrude motions him to exit, which he does. 

Mrs. Van. What was that! 

Ger. Oh, nothing but the wind. Lord Featherly is in the parlor; 
go to him, mamma. 

Mrs. Van. I'll go to him at once. Hurry, Gertrude; go for the 
doctor, (at U D C") Poor man; apoplexy! 

Exit Mrs. Van t'willer "D C." Gertrude follows her mother to exit and looks out. En- 
ter, "D L," Percy. 

Pec'. Are you coming! 
Ger. Your father's coming! 
Pec'. The Gov'nor? 



42. 

Gee. Hide yourself! 
Pec 1 . Oh, hid! 

Percy hides behind the settee. Eater, "D C," hurriedly, Lord Featherly. 

Fea. Gertrude. 

Gee. Yes, sir. 

Fea. I trust you are an honest girl ? 

Gee. Yes, sir. 

Fea. I have been all over the house; in the kitchen, in the attic; 
in the conservatory; and he was not to be found in any of those 
places. Where is he? Where is my son? 

Gee. He's with mamma, in the parlor. Haven't you heard; she's 

very ill? She's got (aside) I wonder what mamma's got? 

(aloud) Oh, she's got palpitations; and I'm going after the doctor. 
Won't you please go to her? 

Fea. Certainly; I'll go at once. In the parlor, did you say? 

Gee. In the parlor. 

Exit "D C," Featherly. 

Pec', (coming from behind settee) That was real clever. 

Gee. Clever ! Look at all the lies I've had to tell for you ! Is 
my hat straight? (running to glass) Don't ever ask me to get 
married this way again; because I won't. Come, we haven't a second 
to lose; they'll be back! 

Takes Percy's hand, draws him after her. Exit "D L." 

Mr. Van", (sitting up) Ah — um, I never would have thought it 
of Gertrude, (steps within) That's mother. I know her step. 
(falls back in his chair and snores) 

Enter, '-D K," Mrs. Van Twiller. 

Mrs. Van". I wonder where that poor man is. (crosses to Mr. 
Van) Sleeping again. What stupidity. 

Mrs. Van looks out "D C." 

Mr. Van. (aside — rising and looking at her) That settles it; 
I'm with the young folks, (falls back in his chair and snores) 
Mrs. Van. (seeing Lord Featherly) Ah, there you are ! 

Enter Featherly "D C." 

Mrs. Van. My daughter informed me of your indisposition, and 
sent me to minister to your comfort. 

Fea. Minister 

Mrs. Van. (interrupting) You have my sympathy. 

Fea. (surprised) I'm sure, I'm much obliged; but your daugh- 
ter 

Mrs. Van. (interrupting) Has gone for the doctor. Rest easy, 
sir; the doctor will soon be here. 

Fea. Ah, dear madam, I was not aware you were subject to pal- 
pitations. 

Mrs. Van. Palpitations! Absurd! Ridiculous! 

Fea. I see you are agitated. Madam, pray be seated. 



43. 

; 'Mrs. Van. Eli!! 

Fea. I know, madam, what it is to have an obdurate family; a 
wild-headed son, &c\, etcetera. When I was Bilks and your son was 
Blutcher, I felt the pangs of the situation and came very near to pal- 
pitations. I assure you, you have my sympathy. 

Mrs. Van. What are you talking about? 

Fea. Don't, I pray you, try to suppress your agitation. It will 
break forth. It must break forth. Weep, if you feel like it. Sob. 
Convulse yourself. I shall not consider it a discrepency in your 
make up. Heaven forbid! When I was Bilks, I was soaked with 
grief; but I gave it vent. In times of palpitations, there is nothing 
like ventilation. Nothing. 

Mrs. Van. {aside) Poor man, he is so overcome he doesn't 
know what he is talking about. 

Fea. There; I see you have made up your mind to weep. That 
is right. I am to meet my son and niece below. They are waiting 
for me. {Mr. Van winks and snores) Good-bye; when ^ou visit 
England, remember Evergreen Manor, {crosses to U D C") 

Mrs. Van. {aside) How his thoughts wander, (crossing to and 
detaining him at "D C" I cannot allow you to go. You are too 
overcome to stand. It's ridiculous! Sit down. 

Fea. {bewildered) But, madam! 

Mrs. Van. I insist upon it. You are in no condition to say or do 
anything. Your case calls for repose. You look apoplectic. You 
are apoplectic. Sit down! 

She forces him to be seated. He looks bewilderingly about him. Mr. Van shakes with 
suppressed laughter. 

Mrs. Van. {crosses and shakes her husband) Van Twiller, wake 
up! Lord Featherly has had a stroke 

Fea. {interrupting and rising) Madam, I 

Mrs. Van. (interrupting) I insist upon it. Sit down! (he 
does) Van Twiller, wake up ! 

Mr. Van. Yes, my love. 

Mrs. Van. [discovering letter in husband's hand] What have 
you in your hand ? 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, a letter. Let me see ; I believe I was asleep. 
Why, my love; it's directed to you. Queer. I don't remember any- 
one handing it to me. 

Mrs. Van. [takes letter — opens it] Yes, it is for me. 

An occasional look from Mrs. Van keeps Lord Featherly in his seat during the above and 
the reading of the letter. 

Mr. Van. [aside] Now look out for an explosion. 

Mrs. Van. Van Twiller, attend to Lord Featherly. [reads] 
"My Dear Mamma:'" Why, this is from my son. What does this 
mean! [reads] ''There are times when obedience leads us estray." 
[repeats "There are times, d'C.""] Absurd nonsense! Van Twiller, 
who gave you this letter? 



44. 

Mr. Van. Didn't I tell you, my love; I don't know anything 
about it. 

Mrs. Van. [reads] "What we are doing now is to escape the 
punishment of the above, newly-invented saw." Saw? Um! What 
saw? Ah! [reads] "There are times when obedience leads us 
estray." Umph! [reads] "While you read, we hold our futures 
in our arms." Hold our futures in our arms. Ridiculous! [reacts] 
"We go forth four, we return two." Eh! [reads] "You will be 
angry; but anger, we have argued, is of shorter life than disappoint- 
ment. Before you have finished reading this " [screams] Lord 

Featherly, read it! 

Mr. Van. [aside] The fuse has burnt itself to the powder. 

Featherly reads the letter, drops it and commences tearing his hair. 

Fea. I'll not stand it ! I'll cane him ! I'll break every bone in his 
body! I'll — oh, my misguided son; my son! 

Featherly falls upon chair and slaps the table with his hands. Mrs. Van Twiller walks 
excitedly up and down stage; stops in front of her hushand. 

Mrs. Van. And you knew all about this, Van Twiller? 

Mr. Van. Knew all about what, my love? 

Mrs. Van. Don't argue with me! 

Mr. Van. How can I argue with you, my pet, when I don't know 
what you're talking about? 

Mrs. Van. Was there ever such another blockhead! [to Feather- 
ly] Where's the letter? 

Fea. There; on the floor. 

Mrs. Van. Did they say where they intended to go? 

Fea. [rising] I didn't look! 

Mrs. Van. Nor I! 

Both grab for the letter; heads bump, ask each other's pardons, tear the letter asun- 
der, each getting a page which they look over carefully. 

Fea. Not a word. 

Mrs. Van. Not a syllable. 

Fea. What shall we do? 

Mrs. Van. Remain here. 

Fea. But they'll get married! 

Mrs. Van. Of course they will! 

Mr. Van. Ah — um, my pet, you know boys will be boys. 

Mrs. Van. [turning to her husband] You knew all about this! 
You helped them on! I don't know why you did it; but you did! 

Fea. Van Twiller, you are no longer a friend of mine! I abjure 
you! You knew it! Oh, I don't know what" you knew; but you did 
know ! 

Mrs. Van. Yes, of course he did! 

Mr. Van. [puffing — aside] I think they've said enough to 
arouse my Dutch, [aloud] Don't say another word! I don't 
know what you're talking about, and I don't want to know; but you 
have accused me and I have a right to be angry. And I am angry .' 



45. 

Look at me! My great ancestor, Wouter, would have boiled you 
both in a Dutch pot for saying less. The days for boiling people in 
Dutch pots are over. It's a great pity. You both, ah — um deserve 
a Dutch execution! 

Mrs. Van. Van T wilier, are you going mad! 

Mr. Van. I feel the spirit of my great ancestor rising within me ! 
It has been accused and it writhes with vexation ! 

Mrs. Van. Our son and daughter have run away; think how vul- 
gar that is! 

Mr. Van. I don't care if they have; so they come back. I have 
been commanded to silence ! I have been ignored ! Cowed! In pri- 
vate, I could endure it ; in company, I lose patience ! 

Mrs. Van. Our son is married to a girl who hasn't a penny. 

Mr. Van. So much the better; he has enough for both. I give 
my consent. 

Fea. And my son is married 

Mr. Van. [interrupting] To a girl too good for him. 

Fea. Sir! 

Mr. Van. But I give my consent. 

Fea. Sir! 

Mr. Van. Sir! What do you mean by sir! It's an open insult; 
ah — um, damme, sir! What do you mean, sir! 

Van Twiller goes through the dumb-bell exercise. Featherly falls upon chair and slaps 
the table violently with his hands. Mrs. Van paces excitedly up and down stage. 

Mr. Van. [to Featherly] What are you pawing the furniture 
for! [to his wife] What are you walking up and down about! 
Why don't you stop pawing and why don't you sit down! 

Mrs. Van. [facing her husband] How dare you! 

Mr. Van. Mrs. Van Twiller, don't make yourself tedious. What's 
up! Is our house afire; are our stocks going to the devil; are we 
moving into another Sahara? No! Oh, Wouter, illustrious ances- 
tor, Governor of New Amsterdam! Here, on one hand, is a proud 
mother, who walks up and down because she doesn't want her son to 
marry an angel; here, on the other hand, is a Lord pawing the fur- 
niture, because he doesn't know what he wants. Let them get mar- 
ried. Let everybody get married. I give my consent. I sleep most 
of the time. That keeps me out of people's way. You are both old 
enough to know better. Old enough to be senible. That is what 
my illustrious ancestor would say. [aside] Wouter, you have said 
enough. Vanish, [exit "D C."] 

Mrs. Van. The man's mad! 

Fea. Stark mad! 

Mrs. Van. I never knew him to act like that. 

Fea. But our sons! 

Mrs. Van. Yes, our sons! We will follow Mr. Van Twiller. I 
will bring him to his senses. We may still have time to prevent the 
marriage. 

Fea. I trust so. 



LlbHAHY ur wiiui ... 




017 401 307 A 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 401 307 ft * 



